susie

thrashing...

“Once, a Taoist master sat with his diciples at the edge of a large, raging river. Suddenly, one of the disciples stood up and shouted that an elderly man had been caught in the river. Helpeless, the party watched as the man tumbled over rocks, was dunked under water, and thrown about by the current. Assuming that he had been killed, they were astonished to see the old man climb out of the river, completely unharmed. Surprised. the master walked up to the man, and said:

"You have survived a very treacherous peril. You must be some sort of spirit!"

The old man simply laughed a kind laugh and replied:

"No, no. I've been doing that since I was a boy. I simply let the river take me. I dont struggle, I dont thrash about. I simply place myself in the river's care, and the river takes care of me."

discerning ones call...

Lately, the topic of "discerning and living into one's call" has been an ongoing discussion in my community ...what is call, how is it discerned, how does one live into it and where do accountabilty and communal support and sacrifcie intersect with individual call...?  these are the questions we are asking as we think about the spiritual journey...inward, outward and together.

while i don't have any concrete answers...i do have many thoughts and questions, most of them forged through studying the text, the culture and the soul... coupled with that sage teacher of trial and error;)

today, i came upon a beautiful quote by Marjory Zoet Bankson, that added a new dimension to my inner 'conversations' about my own call at this season and juncture of my life.  Bankson says, in her book, Call to the Soul, "I see call not as a vocational choice, but as a special way of understanding what we are here for.  Calls are not rationed to one per lifetime.  When one call is completed, it's time for a new one to begin." 

I find great comfort in these wise words.  I know they were spoken from bankson's life, as her idea of call was forge in the crucible of change, limitation's, challenges and questions.  Through her journey as a woman and a wife, as a teacher and a budding theologian, she found new meanings and nuances to call that speak of the creative nature deep within women.  Her story gives substance to her words regarding a new call beginning, as an old one is completed.

There are endless possibilities in life, in ministry, in ways of living, and they change as the passing of years shift my view, my responsibilites and my creative passions.  G-d is creating and re-creating endlessly and that speaks to me of the re-creating and new creations that may unfold in my life as i look to a change in the call of g-d upon my life, my gifts, my time and my creative energy...

the questions we wrestle with in community remain important and relevant, but these words by bankson, open the door to an undulating call that responds to life as it forms and reforms, takes shape and changes, begins and ends and even middles at times...these words give rise to the myriad of possibilies that may come to be... each in its own time, rather than the confining work of settling on a single one, for all of life, at the exclusion of all else.  The thought that i may finish with the work of one call, and another might press upon my heart as Way opens to provide avenues of offering, brings rest and focus to my creative passions...as i embrace the reality that they can wait and participate...each in turn, in the appointed time...

alanis says it well...

we'd gather around all in a room fasten our belts engage in dialogue
we'd all slow down rest without guilt not lie without fear disagree sans judgement

we would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and
enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and
open and reach out and speak up

This is utopia this is my utopia
This is my ideal my end in sight
Utopia this is my utopia
This is my nirvana
My ultimate

we'd open our arms we'd all jump in we'd all coast down into safety nets

we would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion not
invest in outcomes we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference
be gentle and make room for every emotion

we'd provide forums we'd all speak out we'd all be heard we'd all feel seen

we'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful we would heal be humbled
and be unstoppable we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which we'd
release and disarm and stand up and feel safe

this is utopia this is my utopia
this is my ideal my end in sight
utopia this is my utopia
this is my nirvana
my ultimate

i received alot of feedback on yesterday's pioneer post and the matisse artwork , so i thought i would add these beautiful and haunting lyrics from alanis morisette's song, Utopia, as a punctuation mark!  Along with the matisse, they speak to me of the possibilities in a community of women.

if you have any other photos, images or artwork that speaks of these lyrics in the context of a community of women, please leave a link to it in the comments, or email me- and i'll include them in a follow up post...thanks

coming home...

            "serve God, love me... and mend"                                                        (Benedick to Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing, by William Shakespeare)

this is one of my favorite photos of my husband, john and me...

~he is my coming home...(and shortly he will arrive back home from being away with our son at a soccer tourney, while i arrived home last night after being away for a week)

...i find my home in him, in his kind and knowing eyes, in his warm and wise embrace, in the way he offers me a place to be...me. 

these words of william shakespeare fittingly describe the space that john creates and holds for me in this world of change, adventure, uncertainty and growth...

~and i am so very grateful...

wandering...wondering...

i have been wandering around the blogosphere for most to the morning... i am too tired to even remember all the sites i visitied, and didn't bookmark them so that i could reference them here (sorry, next time)  i read and read and read and realized that there is nothing new under the sun... we are still asking the same questions that have been asked for ages...  about faith, love, prejudice, exclusion and embrace...joy and sorrow... and there are many whose words are profound, insightful and worthy of being read... what do i have to add?  (This is not a contemptuous question, nor a doubting one... but one of voice and action...) I can write on some of the questions, offer a few thoughts, maybe even add more questions...but does that change anything?  is it not the way that we live and love that makes all the difference?

maybe i shouldn't blog when i am exhausted, but then the raw me is just here to be seen and heard...i am aware of the following actions of living and loving by others this week, that answered some of my questions about life, love and faith...

...my children's tears, freely shed, as they watched part of our family drive away to relocate to another state...their care for one another while their dad and i were gone (helping said family relocate)  the laughter through the telephone lines as they were on their own for dinner and the ways they found to fill their time... their hands and hearts that tended to our home as i was gone... their wisdom and wit as they deal with change...

...a friend's willingness to drop everything and come over to check on and just be with my kids (my wise, mature, heartsick teens in their sorrow)  the subsequent movie night, popcorn and laughter that filled the hours...and her generous heart late last night while i rambled and verbally bounced around on the way home from the airport...she offered a gentle holding place for my randomness and weariness...

...my husband's willingness to let me wander through the week, and his ever present willingness to support me in my whimsical endeavors... picking up he slack and dealing with the real needs in life--laundry done, lunches made, parenting shared at a depth that blesses my and my kids through his engaged presence...

...emails from those who know my sadness over this major change in my life, emails from those who enjoy my writings, emails and comments from new freinds in the blogosohere, who speak my language... this strange dialect of heartthoughts in written word...

these are the places that the love of jesus flowed into my life this week...and as i rubbed my weary eyes this palm sunday morning, i was grateful for the sustaining love of family and friends...

sitting in my sunroom, i am glazed over, unsure whether to post or not... and so i just began writing... (this often is the way... beginning where i am, in the middle, in the midst of) and the my heart flows through my fingers into words on a page that surprise even me... and thus i write...

my sunroom is strangely quiet today, and the silence is welcome, not deafening... and the thunder outside is comforting... ( i have a strange love of thunderstorms!) storms within and storms without seem appropriate and strangely congruent as i am alone in my sunroom...

sitting here reading and writing, i have so many thoughts that tumble into my mind, adding more questions and invitiations to wander...but they will wait until later this week.  the quiet in my ome will end all to too soon, as life presses in, until then i am contnent to sit here quietly and listen to the comforting music of the rain...until i drift back to sleep, since i obviously need a nap...

my three rocks...

Henri Nouwen writes the following about our unique call...

So many terrible things happen every day that we start wondering whether the few things we do ourselves make any sense.  When people are starving only a few thousand miles away,  when wars are raging close to our borders, when countless people in our own cities have no homes to live in, our own activities look futile.  Such consideration, however, can paralzye us and depress us.

Here the word call becomes important.  We are not called to save the world, solve all problems, and help all people.  But we each have our own unique call, in our families, in our work, and in our world.  We have to keep asking God to help us see clearly what our call is and to give us the strength to live out that call with trust.  Then we will discover that our faithfulness to a small task is the most healing response to the illnesses of our time.

This reminded me of a story i heard the other day...

lent-week four begins

Someone asked me recently about the color of my blog...why gray and black?  and this remided me of maryann's comment on my beauty for ashes post.  I do love color and living out loud and vibrant reflections...but, I also like black and am often kidded at the staple it plays in my wardrobe and my shoe collection (my home, too) ...but black suits me, as well as is a great wardrobe extender, i tell the naysayers;) 

But, that is not why my blog is gray and black...

beauty for ashes

shane everett & shane bernard sing "beauty for ashes" and i was listening to it the other day...reminded of the ashes placed on our foreheads on Ash Wednesday...to remind, remember, return to that place of death that saves us...

life for death, beauty for ashes...and i am grateful for this season of preparing for the praise i know is to come on easter morn.  help me to see beauty for the ashes in the dailies of life...such that everyday is easter as your resurrecting power is evident in each passing moment....amen

until easter, my blog is ash grays...

watching the grammys

Today, Annie and I did a workshop entitled Everybody Hurts.  It was an interactive experience for parents and their teens to explore the realities and the pain of growing up in the 21st century.  We showed the participants an episode of  Without A Trace that portrays the teenage angst and struggle to communicate with their peers, to navigate the tumultuous waters of adolescence, and a variety of parental responses.  It is a profound episode.  It was a privilege to enter into conversation with parents and teens who are struggling to connect. 

I was humbled as I became more aware of the ways that I don't listen well to my kids, the ways that I don't practice what I preach...that there are so many more questions than there are answers... However, I  do believe that conversation is a beginning and understand more fully that communication comes in many forms. 

As I prepared for the workshop, I immersed myself, once again, in the music of the culture, and as i sit and watch the grammys, I am familiar with many of the songs, and 'hearing' far more than I would if I had not done the seminar.  I am reminded how important it is to stay connected to my kids music...because it speaks volumes and I am learning to listen better, to listen differently...

Interestingly...just as i am writing this blog- john mayer won the song of the year award for his song "daughters"~ it is very telling- that the song of the year is about the crucial relationship between parents and children...

Just prior to this award, a number of musicians joined together to sing the Beatles hit, "Across the Universe," in support of the Tsunami victims...ITunes is donating all proceeds to the victims, and CBS has a donation link.  They are anticipating a huge response as people reach out...

Connection... we crave it, seek it...we were created for it...