this art is entitled "dance of the muses" by julian romanus and how i wish they would dance though my house once again...
i have been quiet on my blog, the muses have been silent...i have not felt inspired and i don't have much to say, to write, or even contemplate... maybe it is the stifling heat and humidity of summertime in washington, dc...maybe it is the fact that we went on vacation at the beginning of the summer instead of the end, and i just haven't really returned to the rhythm and schedule of life before the beach...i mean my body is here, and even my mind on certain days, but my heart is struggling to return to this stifling city...
i sit and stare at a white sheet of paper and wait... no inspiring thoughts come. sometimes i am disciplined enough to do as anne lamott recommends in bird by bird, to just write.... something! so i try, but my entries of late usually begin, "i am feeling uninspired and uninspiring."
eventually, i resort to writing my "to do" list,(that counts right;) and i get adequately distracted, or so tired that i need a nap after thinking about all there is to do... (except on my writing days, then i find all the mundane things that "must" be done, like organize my Tupperware drawer, clean my coffee maker, or match socks... anything to avoid the reality that nothing is coming as i sit to write)...or get depressed that i am not inspired, motivated or disciplined.
i know that writers must endure times of little to no inspiration, and so i seek to be disciplined enough to do what great writers advise...write anyway, write something, write daily...and i must confess that my diligence in following said advice is lacking...
in fact some days, i just look at my journal, sitting there on the table, waiting... and i think that i couldn't possibly bear staring at a blank page...again, and thus i move straight to the mundane and distracting tasks ;D
so, where are the muses, are they hiding, have they abandoned me in my decadant extravagence of having a day set aside for writing, are they punishing me for taking for granted the myriad of thoughts, paragraphs and snippets that i have failed to record? All i know is that they are not here, for even my "fall back," my "no matter what is going on, inspiration..." the ususally cathartic, artistic expression of collageing feels dry, sterile, and predictable...and that is a sure sign that the muses are missing, because making collages is just plain fun as well, and yet, they have no allure of late!
last spring, when there was a great deal of pain to bear, i found a brief respite as i returned to making collages. blank pages filled easily...what words could not express, images hinted at, ...and the process was cathartic and soul-soothing. (of course there were snippets of paper, images, and other ephemera all over the family room, and that made my family crazy at times... but sanity for me at any price was the order of the day;)
so i wait...and i hope that tomorrow i will have the discipline to begin again, to try and rediscover the rhythmic living that brings space and room for the muses to return... and if i fail again tomorrow, well there is the next day, and the day after that as well...
Don't worry Susie, even when you're "uninspired" you are still inspiring others! You're very being is an inspiration, and what seems mundane or of little importance to you as you write never ceases to touch me.
I will look for you at the vigil, did you find candles?
karyn
Posted by: Karyn | July 17, 2005 at 02:36 AM
i have no idea if there is a parallel, but after i had 'face to face' time with other bloggers in november i found the pressure to be something other than i wasn't (self inflicted) was greater than i ever felt - i found it difficult to unpack things i normally would have processed for fear that i would define something for myself that was different than others defined it - or step on their toes, or hurt their feelings, etc. i thought of dozens of things that kept me silent.
for whatever that's worth i found my way back - again, don't know if that is your experience or not, but i just felt such similar stirrings to what you wrote - wanted to share that insight if it was similar.
just so you know you could type out your to-do list here and i'd be thrilled to read it because it's from you!
miss your words dear friend!
Posted by: bobbie | July 17, 2005 at 12:45 PM
have you read The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron? She talks about getting beyond writer's block in there.
It's totally understandable feeling blocked in this awful humidity... the only easy thing to do is sit and melt into a puddle.
Posted by: susan | July 18, 2005 at 01:17 PM
thanks for the idea susan, i will dig it out. i actually picked up her book, vein of gold, the other day, where she reviews the three pages each morning- longhand...need to begin again...
any photos of dc folks puddlin up;D
Posted by: susie | July 18, 2005 at 04:03 PM
.. this was a beautiful post :) just write stories about your life........ i would love to learn more about your life.
just a thought..
Posted by: natala | July 18, 2005 at 09:32 PM
kayrn, thanks for your kind words, and bobbie, your words are vulnerable and encouraging. natala, i just might take your advice and write more about the daily-ness of life. thanks for your example of writing about the beauty seen between the lines of life...and susan as well, i appreciate each of you ;D
Posted by: susie | July 18, 2005 at 10:54 PM