sojourn stories...

surfacing, treading water and not sure which way is toward land!

it has been a while... a long while since i have posted. 

life, stuff, and more life have gotten the better of me, threatened at times to engulf me in the crashing wave of "the urgent" 

there have been days of great delight, laughter and celebration as all of our birthdays fall within this six week interval...there have been tears and well wishing as my eldest left for college, older and wiser than i ever was at 20!

waves of fear and anticipation followed my youngest, my son to his first days as a freshman, and i must admit that these feelings and how to deal with them are not in the "how to mother a teenage boy manual."    (though the Scriptures bear out a few principles that have sustained me, as i watch and pray...but there are no guarantees, and that is risky, so profoundly risky, that it make me stand in awe of the freedom and love that G-d bestows on me).

i have had little to say in this forum of writing.  and i am increasingly aware that there is a dearth of content in my journal, empty pages in my sketch book, accompanied by a drowning sense of boredom...

and the only way out is through (as alanis so poetically sings it;)

in the recent stream of unending tasks, "to do" lists and urgent matters at hand, i have missed this medium of communicating, missed my friends in the blogosphere and missed the sanity that comes from a sojourn here...

so, i am finally surfacing.

it has been a long 6 weeks. 

i am treading water...

and

i am hoping to post more often...

my mind feels dry from the lack of conversation and thought provoking posts that pepper my bloglines, my heart is heavy in the midst of so much national tragedy and i must confess that i have been overwhelmed into silence and a small sphere of action through my local community.  I have even avoided reading blogs... yes a true absence!  and i miss this unique forum for interchange, expression and growth. 

they say that absence does make the heart grow fonder;)  just as soon as it gets over the guilt of shoulds and coulds and begins to engage in the "is" of now! 

I am waking up here, in the midst of incredible tension... increasingly aware of the frustrating finitude of the human life and the relentless passing of time, yet longing for the luxury of unstructured days...or even structured days that include time for that which is really important... the care and tending of my own soul...

the needs of my children and family have consumed me of late, and the care and tending of their souls brings me great joy and satisfaction.  they are my "important, " yet the chaos of being a mom, also makes them my "urgent" far too often, and i have neglected the care and tending of me...

i feel the limits of this mortal life pressing in on many sides and

i have struggled to find balance and clarity...

i am still struggling to find balance and clarity... why do i buy into the myth that i will ever arrive?  ;)

maybe that is the wrong struggle, struggling to "find"  rather than simply seeking "to be."

be-ing and time...

so, enough rambling... for now...

i just wanted the beginnings of a post...as i have learned that far too often that "beginning again" is the hardest step, and this is my feeble effort at such a leap...

addictions part 3...

A few of the comments in Natala’s final post were confessions…of people, of pastors who struggle with sexual addictions...there were many comments and emails from people who wondered what to do with their own bondage to judgment, fears, and addictive behaviors that encase souls, destroy lives and deaden hearts…

Looking truth full in the face takes courage and profound humility as we admit our brokenness…

Jesus will meet our eyes as we reveal that which we have kept hidden…Jesus knows our secrets and longs to mend our souls…

Imagine the dusty courtyard, as Jesus looked down at the woman caught in adultery, thrown on the ground before him, awaiting condemnation and death…

Imagine his tender and knowing gaze…did she have the courage to glance up or was she curled up in a ball to protect herself from the oncoming stones…Jesus looked at the angry crown and said to the accusing onlookers, to the‘righteous ones,’ “Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone..."

Then slowly, in the thickening silence the woman heard a thud…as the dust from a dropped stone, spattered on her hands and mixed with the tears of fear and sorrow as they streamed down her face...as the oldest rabbi, turned and walked away…and then another thud, and two more… as those who knew their own sin and struggles faced the truth… “this woman, who we have condemned as vile is not that different from me."

I wonder if Jesus met the eyes of her accusers and in a knowing silence, saw the truth about their inner world, their struggles and the places that each of them had illegitimately and thus sinfully sought solace from the harsh Roman world, relief from the disappointing absence of the long awaited Messiah, or a break from the stringent codes of Levite law that could be so oppressive at times.

And I wonder if as they felt seen and know there was no longer the ability to condemn either the woman or themselves.

We have been taught to judge those who are different from us, conditioned to divide people into categories of good or bad based on actions and lifestyles that have been deemed right or wrong… and I simply do not see Jesus doing this. 

Throughout the gospels he treated everyone with kindness and acceptance regardless of their lifestyle and deeds, and in doing so he touched the dignity within them, the spark of the divine image smoldering deep within their souls and rekindling it, awakening them to who they were created to be…this was the way of Jesus, not words of judgment and shunning, not division of acceptable and unacceptable groups to hang out with, share a meal, laugh with, listen to, or show love towards. 

The only group of people that I see Jesus speaking harsh words to are the religious folks, who are so caught up in their own righteousness that they judge and exclude and condemn others…including Jesus.

Please read the next 2 paragraphs:

I am not saying that there is no right and wrong, that there are not actions and deeds that are grievous and destructive to ones own soul and life as well as others.  I firmly believe that some actions and choices more heinous than others, that some have devastating consequences for those involved.

I am saying that it is not our place to judge people, to treat them without the love and dignity that Jesus did because they have chosen a path of foolish and destructive actions.  I am saying that we are called to a higher standard...the standard of love.

While Jesus was firm and clear about the ways of life that lead to destruction, he never treated people with disdain or disgust, but with a sorrow for their bondage and a hope and call to their created purpose.  Somehow Jesus walked the razor’s edge of honesty and love…bold love…

A bold love that spoke difficult words,

Words that named the truth

The decay and destruction

Of actions

Choices

Words

A bold love that called forth

Dignity

Desire

Destiny

Rather than condemn and cast aside

Love that was active and accepting

While piercing and expecting at the same time

And tender and merciful in its strength…

This is the love we are called to, this is the lens through which we are to see our brothers and sisters, regardless of their deeds, without denying the fallout of destructive choices.

There are a few necessary questions to ask ourselves whenever we think about addictions…

Are we accusers… or are we fellow addicts, with a drug of a different choice?

Are we pointing fingers or are we coming alongside and admitting that we struggle too with an overwhelming desire for relief…for a moment of oblivion?

Are we willing to face our prison of pretense?

Are we willing to be honest…

about our fear of the Light,

that threatens to undo us in its brightness and expose our strategies for control and relief?

Are we willing to admit…

our hesitancy to walk away from the temporary satiation of relief?

Are we willing to name…

our terror, our racing heart, our sweaty palms that come with facing the pain of our stories, admitting the truth of our actions, embracing the sorrow of reality?

The snare of addictions is clever, binding, and deceptive…

And we are often like the proverbial frog in the pot of water, who isn’t aware of the increasing heat until it is too late…we underestimate the power and draw of our addictions until we are in way too far over our heads, still convinced that we can pull out at any time…regroup and “be fine” with just a few “easy” changes. 

And thus, we deceive ourselves…

addictions...part 2

(read: addicitons...part 1)

Sexual addiction is serious, and being caught in the web of pornography is soul deadening, but as we enter into talking about these issues, it is imperative that we all look in the mirror and see that we are addicted.  We all seek to relieve pain, to escape the painful present in a variety of ways… and we all suffer from the damage to the soul that accompanies being addicted to relief as well as the additional external consequences that vary by addiction.

I am not downplaying the destructive nature of sexual struggles, issues…addictions.  I am simply stating that we have relegated some addictions to acceptable category and others to the

unacceptable category, often based on the external fallout associated with them.  And in doing so, we have dismissed and negated the core issue of all addictions… an idolatrous heart that refuses to live in the Story of G-d as it unfolds…we don’t know what G-d allows, ordains, orchestrates or prevents… we only know the agony of our internal bleeding when we face the truth of our story in its fullness of both glory and pain…

And our hearts refuse to bleed in the hands of a mysterious and unpredictable G-d, who promises faithfulness, goodness and help in time of need, but did not bring these things to bear in our timing or in our way…Why would we trust this G-d, we cannot control or predict how life will unfold if we do let go and trust.  We look back and decide that G-d’s track record of pain relief, of protection from harm, of intervening for the innocent, of acting on behalf of the righteous is not all that great…so we conclude that we must protect ourselves.  And we find socially acceptable ways to do so…

It is far more acceptable to be an over-worked, over-extended, overweight, eating disordered, exercise addicted, control freak Christian than one who struggles with smoking, alcohol, sexual deviance, pornography and/or chronic masturbation…

but make no mistake, the origin of all thse behaviors is the same...

a frantic demand to escape the realities of living in a broken world

a raised fist, shaken at G-d in rebellion and fury at the unfolding of our life stories...

all of our carefully constructed, seemingly justifiable behaviors and mindsets are the marks of idolatry...

Idolatry = I worship my way, my understanding, my constructed life…

I chose to be self sufficient…rather than be at the mercy of G-d

Jesus taught about the publican and the Pharisee, one knew his brokenness and one who haughtily hid behind acceptable ‘behaviors’ and a hardened judgmental heart, fully confident in his own abilities, understanding and control.

A self-sufficient posture appeeals to the human mind, except the mirage of control eventually fades, revealing a posture that leads to bondage, to self-righteousness and ultimately to bondage.  In our prison of pretense, we lose sigght of th truth that there is not sin, there is not struggle, there is no addiction that cannot be addressed in the healing grace of G-d.

The violence of addictions against one’s own soul as wwell as the soul of the others who are the victims of our addictions do not need to continue in the vicious cycle of lies and hiding.  Truth, any and all truth, can be brought into the light in the presence of Christ.

if we really believed what we claim to believe

if we really thought that all things are possible with G-d

if we had the courage to live out the things that we teach and say and write

if we glimpsed, even for a momoment, the profound and full humanity of Jesus

if we leaned into the unconditional love of G-d, against all our contradictory data

if we had faith, the size of a mustard seed…

then we might crack open the door of our vaulted heart and allow a glimmer of Light to piercce the darkness of our shrouded and fear-filled souls…

(part 3 coming next week)

addictions...part 1

Natala and I were talking last night, and she asked for some advice regarding the many emails and comments that she received on her recent “porn star series of 8 posts.”   After talking a while, I told her that I would write a post with some info on dealing with sexual issues, addictions really.

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes, so lets get one thing straight from the beginning…

we are all addicted

we just vary our ‘drug” of choice

we are all addicted to relief…

we want out of this broken world,

we demand a break from the pain and sorrow,

we seek a breather from the bone crushing angst of life,

we must numb our pain…

and we are experts at doing so…

we flee into mind numbing, soul searing, life altering addictions…

we do drugs…to get away, to manage, to take the edge off, to get through

we drink…to remember, to forget, to engage, to disengage, to have sex, to disappear

we use pornography…to control and demand that someone make us feel powerful, virile, and desired…at least in our fantasies

we use sex…to control, to demean, to consume, to condemn, to deny and destroy beauty.

we choose socially acceptable addictions...

we shop...to fantasize about another life, to daydream about what we do not have

we buy…to own, to compete, to consume, hoping that this purchase will fill us

we over work…to prove something, to earn more, to avoid others or ourselves

we overeat…to fill the cavernous void within, to numb, to desecrate

we purge…to gain absolution, to do penance, to control, to empty ourselves of the ugliness inside, to feel power, to exact revenge

we over exercise...to pummel our destructive urges, to destroy and to control desire

we consume media…to entertain, to conform, to escape, to occupy our minds, to dispel the excruciating silence of loneliness

we are over committed to the work of the church… to gain approval, to avoid guilt, to earn a ticket to heaven, to hide our struggles and our secrets, so no one finds out the truth

we watch, play, coach sports…to regain a moment of youth, to indulge the fantasy of broken dreams, to check out of the demands of family life

we gamble… to grasp the brass ring, to tickle our fantasy that a million dollars will make everything better, to feel like a winner…

we fantasize, about everything and anything…to escape the boredom, the tediousness, the constant reminders of our shortcomings, regrets, and inadequacies

we volunteer, for everything…to stay busy, to get someone to notice us, value us, need us

we clean and organize…to control the messiness of life, to create an illusion of order, to feel powerful, to escape the sorrow and mess of our own childhoods

we smother our kids, making them the center of our lives, indulging their whims…to relieve our lost childhoods, demanding, ever so subtly that they make us feel successful, to escape the boredom in our marriage, to avoid talking to our spouse

we pretend, using any and all means to avoid the painful truths of our life story…to keep busy, to perform, to avoid, hoping that if we just keep moving, pretending, scrambling, and denying, eventually we will convince ourselves that everything is fine

…or to become so numb that we no longer notice the pain.

we are all addicts…we are addicted to relief, and we will find it!

because to live in the truth,

to embrace the reality of our story

to acknowledge the loss, the abuse, the victimization, the lies, the fear, the power, the hatred, and our victimizing of others...

is too much to bear…

and it threatens to engulf us, to drown us…

if we pause

if we see

if we listen

if we feel…

so we keep going

snuggled up with our drug of choice

pretending to be fine…

until we read a story like marie’s…

and we see ourselves in the mirror of her life…

and for a brief moment we pause

and we feel the hurt and shame of truth…

and in that moment we have a choice…

admit that we are addicts…

in need of help,

in need of hope,

in need of Light,

in need of Truth,

that we are more than our additions

and we crack open the door

to look for another way…

or we choose darkness,

and return to the friend who has served us thus far…

and the addiction grows

and the bondage grows stronger

and the soul dies a bit more…

and i get to be her friend...

natala, has written a series of amazing posts...

i read them with tears in my eyes, anticipating the next posts... and so glad that i just got to reading blogs this week, or i would have been impatient for the next part of the story... it is a beautiful unfolding of love and grace and raw honesty... and i read them thinking... and this amazing woman is my friend...how great is that! 

A favorite mentor and inspiration: Thomas Merton

This came today from Bruderhof's Daily Dig.  Merton is a favorite and a man whose love of beauty and the sensual expanded my understanding of desire in the context of loning after G-d as a deer pants for water.  Merton, however, also extended this willingness to desire to the things of G-d, the beauty of creation, the tenderness of love, friendship, the wonder of things seen and unseen in the everyday-ness of life.  And for that I am forever grateful...

Merton's "The Seven Storey Mountain" is his journey to faith.  Another great read is his "Dialogues with Silence."

In Grasping...

Thomas Merton

If what most people take for granted were really true—if all you needed to be happy was to grab everything and see everything and investigate every experience and then talk about it, I should have been a very happy person, a spiritual millionaire, from the cradle even until now…What a strange thing! In filling myself, I had emptied myself. In grasping things, I had lost everything. In devouring pleasures and joys, I had found distress and anguish and fear.

Is there a hole in your soul?

Source: Thomas Merton, "The Seven Storey Mountain"

hospitality, open doors, places at the table and other unique things about Jesus...

this speaks to me today...

Hospitality

   “Shared life is a way of being present to another person so that another person can be present to you. It's a quality of being, of living. A sharing attitude makes room inside of you so that others can crawl in and you can crawl out into them. You become touched and touchable, supporting and supportable. A Christian home is one with the doors open, and a Christian community of any form has doors open and swinging both ways. There's life moving in and life moving out. I could summarize Jesus' most radical teaching as a call to "universal table fellowship" (see with whom he eats, whom he invites to the banquet, and then you will know why they killed him!). Don't tell people to come to our church or to come to hear Father preach. Ask them to come over for supper. That's more real and natural. Talk to them over the back fence. We hope our life is good news. When our neighbors see our unity and our good news, maybe then they'll say, I'd like to come celebrate and worship with you.”

Richard Rohr, The Spiritual Family and the Natural Family

Africa: Sudan, Darfur, Congo...Worship Together in the Spirit of Justice, DC- june & july

 

Cedar Ridge Community Church is inviting "willing Christians to gather for five Sundays of public worship in Washington DC around the themes of justice and peace in Africa, and especially Darfur, Sudan." The outdoor services entitled, Worship in the Spirit of Justice will be held at various locations between June 12 and July 10, 2005.  Details are available at this website, as well this same link: CRCC:Worship in the Spirit of Justice will remain under the "do justice, love kindness" box on the right column of this blog for easy access.

This is a great opportunity to join together as human beings and raise our voice against the atrocities enacted against and suffered by our fellow human beings, on this same planet, sharing the same sun, and viewing the same stars as we do, each night.

Those who are suffering, are our brothers and our sisters...unlike us, they do not have the luxury of dreaming and planning for their children's futures; no, they are uncertain whether or not they or their children will live to see another day.  They need our voices raised on their behalf, our sacrificial labor in many forms, and our fervent prayers. 

The hardest part of writing this post, is the knowledge of my complicity in remaining blind to the problems, or being too caught up in the next thing, or problem at hand, even  if it is an important issue...i am profoundly aware that to remain silent, uneducated and/or inactive about the atrocities in Africa and other parts of the world is to be part of the system that allows them to continue.

I look back on Nazi Germany and the murder of millions of Jews and remember that during the year, I learned that terrible story of history, I wondered, how did 'they' let that happen?  until one day i realized that I was part of the 'they...'  and that now I am part of the 'we,' who are allowing the same thing to happen in the world today.

On that day, I decided that I did not want to be complicit, I did not want to contribute to the problem, but I wanted to be part of the solution.  Though the need is so great, that it threatens to overwhelm me, I remember that I can give something, speak up somewhere, offer a cup of cold water, just get involved and try to make a difference.  And yet I slip into denial and the ease of my life so quickly.  I confess that as I write this post. 

I will be out of  town on some of the scheduled Sundays, but if I am home in the DC area, I will be at the worship service.  I will invite others, and I will speak on behalf of my brothers and sisters.  please join me. email me and tell me you are coming and we can worship together.  If you need a place to crash, we have a big suburban house with lots of room;)  email me if you are interested and we can talk dates.

FYI:  my other posts about Rwanda, the darfur pledge, darfur: through the eyes of children there are outside links within these posts, and as i come upon more i will add them.  but now i am weary...goodnight.

moby...a voice crying in the wilderness

Moby graces the cover of Relevant Magazine. It is an excellent article, containing some bold statements by Moby.  Regardless of your view of Relevant Magazine or Moby, for that matter, this interview is worth reading.  Also see Adele's synopsis, as she has met moby and adds an interesting viewpoint.

wisdom of C. S. Lewis

"If you are a Christian you do not have to believe that all other religions are simply wrong all through... you are free to think that all these religions, even the [strangest] ones, contain at least some hint of the truth."  C. S. Lewis

found this on Natala's blog, among other excellent posts, and wanted to pass it on...for me, these words from Lewis are timely and wise, and a good caption for Pollack's work entitled, "convergence."