sojourn stories...

addictions part 3...

A few of the comments in Natala’s final post were confessions…of people, of pastors who struggle with sexual addictions...there were many comments and emails from people who wondered what to do with their own bondage to judgment, fears, and addictive behaviors that encase souls, destroy lives and deaden hearts…

Looking truth full in the face takes courage and profound humility as we admit our brokenness…

Jesus will meet our eyes as we reveal that which we have kept hidden…Jesus knows our secrets and longs to mend our souls…

Imagine the dusty courtyard, as Jesus looked down at the woman caught in adultery, thrown on the ground before him, awaiting condemnation and death…

Imagine his tender and knowing gaze…did she have the courage to glance up or was she curled up in a ball to protect herself from the oncoming stones…Jesus looked at the angry crown and said to the accusing onlookers, to the‘righteous ones,’ “Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone..."

Then slowly, in the thickening silence the woman heard a thud…as the dust from a dropped stone, spattered on her hands and mixed with the tears of fear and sorrow as they streamed down her face...as the oldest rabbi, turned and walked away…and then another thud, and two more… as those who knew their own sin and struggles faced the truth… “this woman, who we have condemned as vile is not that different from me."

I wonder if Jesus met the eyes of her accusers and in a knowing silence, saw the truth about their inner world, their struggles and the places that each of them had illegitimately and thus sinfully sought solace from the harsh Roman world, relief from the disappointing absence of the long awaited Messiah, or a break from the stringent codes of Levite law that could be so oppressive at times.

And I wonder if as they felt seen and know there was no longer the ability to condemn either the woman or themselves.

We have been taught to judge those who are different from us, conditioned to divide people into categories of good or bad based on actions and lifestyles that have been deemed right or wrong… and I simply do not see Jesus doing this. 

Throughout the gospels he treated everyone with kindness and acceptance regardless of their lifestyle and deeds, and in doing so he touched the dignity within them, the spark of the divine image smoldering deep within their souls and rekindling it, awakening them to who they were created to be…this was the way of Jesus, not words of judgment and shunning, not division of acceptable and unacceptable groups to hang out with, share a meal, laugh with, listen to, or show love towards. 

The only group of people that I see Jesus speaking harsh words to are the religious folks, who are so caught up in their own righteousness that they judge and exclude and condemn others…including Jesus.

Please read the next 2 paragraphs:

I am not saying that there is no right and wrong, that there are not actions and deeds that are grievous and destructive to ones own soul and life as well as others.  I firmly believe that some actions and choices more heinous than others, that some have devastating consequences for those involved.

I am saying that it is not our place to judge people, to treat them without the love and dignity that Jesus did because they have chosen a path of foolish and destructive actions.  I am saying that we are called to a higher standard...the standard of love.

While Jesus was firm and clear about the ways of life that lead to destruction, he never treated people with disdain or disgust, but with a sorrow for their bondage and a hope and call to their created purpose.  Somehow Jesus walked the razor’s edge of honesty and love…bold love…

A bold love that spoke difficult words,

Words that named the truth

The decay and destruction

Of actions

Choices

Words

A bold love that called forth

Dignity

Desire

Destiny

Rather than condemn and cast aside

Love that was active and accepting

While piercing and expecting at the same time

And tender and merciful in its strength…

This is the love we are called to, this is the lens through which we are to see our brothers and sisters, regardless of their deeds, without denying the fallout of destructive choices.

There are a few necessary questions to ask ourselves whenever we think about addictions…

Are we accusers… or are we fellow addicts, with a drug of a different choice?

Are we pointing fingers or are we coming alongside and admitting that we struggle too with an overwhelming desire for relief…for a moment of oblivion?

Are we willing to face our prison of pretense?

Are we willing to be honest…

about our fear of the Light,

that threatens to undo us in its brightness and expose our strategies for control and relief?

Are we willing to admit…

our hesitancy to walk away from the temporary satiation of relief?

Are we willing to name…

our terror, our racing heart, our sweaty palms that come with facing the pain of our stories, admitting the truth of our actions, embracing the sorrow of reality?

The snare of addictions is clever, binding, and deceptive…

And we are often like the proverbial frog in the pot of water, who isn’t aware of the increasing heat until it is too late…we underestimate the power and draw of our addictions until we are in way too far over our heads, still convinced that we can pull out at any time…regroup and “be fine” with just a few “easy” changes. 

And thus, we deceive ourselves…

addictions...part 2

(read: addicitons...part 1)

Sexual addiction is serious, and being caught in the web of pornography is soul deadening, but as we enter into talking about these issues, it is imperative that we all look in the mirror and see that we are addicted.  We all seek to relieve pain, to escape the painful present in a variety of ways… and we all suffer from the damage to the soul that accompanies being addicted to relief as well as the additional external consequences that vary by addiction.

I am not downplaying the destructive nature of sexual struggles, issues…addictions.  I am simply stating that we have relegated some addictions to acceptable category and others to the

unacceptable category, often based on the external fallout associated with them.  And in doing so, we have dismissed and negated the core issue of all addictions… an idolatrous heart that refuses to live in the Story of G-d as it unfolds…we don’t know what G-d allows, ordains, orchestrates or prevents… we only know the agony of our internal bleeding when we face the truth of our story in its fullness of both glory and pain…

And our hearts refuse to bleed in the hands of a mysterious and unpredictable G-d, who promises faithfulness, goodness and help in time of need, but did not bring these things to bear in our timing or in our way…Why would we trust this G-d, we cannot control or predict how life will unfold if we do let go and trust.  We look back and decide that G-d’s track record of pain relief, of protection from harm, of intervening for the innocent, of acting on behalf of the righteous is not all that great…so we conclude that we must protect ourselves.  And we find socially acceptable ways to do so…

It is far more acceptable to be an over-worked, over-extended, overweight, eating disordered, exercise addicted, control freak Christian than one who struggles with smoking, alcohol, sexual deviance, pornography and/or chronic masturbation…

but make no mistake, the origin of all thse behaviors is the same...

a frantic demand to escape the realities of living in a broken world

a raised fist, shaken at G-d in rebellion and fury at the unfolding of our life stories...

all of our carefully constructed, seemingly justifiable behaviors and mindsets are the marks of idolatry...

Idolatry = I worship my way, my understanding, my constructed life…

I chose to be self sufficient…rather than be at the mercy of G-d

Jesus taught about the publican and the Pharisee, one knew his brokenness and one who haughtily hid behind acceptable ‘behaviors’ and a hardened judgmental heart, fully confident in his own abilities, understanding and control.

A self-sufficient posture appeeals to the human mind, except the mirage of control eventually fades, revealing a posture that leads to bondage, to self-righteousness and ultimately to bondage.  In our prison of pretense, we lose sigght of th truth that there is not sin, there is not struggle, there is no addiction that cannot be addressed in the healing grace of G-d.

The violence of addictions against one’s own soul as wwell as the soul of the others who are the victims of our addictions do not need to continue in the vicious cycle of lies and hiding.  Truth, any and all truth, can be brought into the light in the presence of Christ.

if we really believed what we claim to believe

if we really thought that all things are possible with G-d

if we had the courage to live out the things that we teach and say and write

if we glimpsed, even for a momoment, the profound and full humanity of Jesus

if we leaned into the unconditional love of G-d, against all our contradictory data

if we had faith, the size of a mustard seed…

then we might crack open the door of our vaulted heart and allow a glimmer of Light to piercce the darkness of our shrouded and fear-filled souls…

(part 3 coming next week)

addictions...part 1

Natala and I were talking last night, and she asked for some advice regarding the many emails and comments that she received on her recent “porn star series of 8 posts.”   After talking a while, I told her that I would write a post with some info on dealing with sexual issues, addictions really.

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes, so lets get one thing straight from the beginning…

we are all addicted

we just vary our ‘drug” of choice

we are all addicted to relief…

we want out of this broken world,

we demand a break from the pain and sorrow,

we seek a breather from the bone crushing angst of life,

we must numb our pain…

and we are experts at doing so…

we flee into mind numbing, soul searing, life altering addictions…

we do drugs…to get away, to manage, to take the edge off, to get through

we drink…to remember, to forget, to engage, to disengage, to have sex, to disappear

we use pornography…to control and demand that someone make us feel powerful, virile, and desired…at least in our fantasies

we use sex…to control, to demean, to consume, to condemn, to deny and destroy beauty.

we choose socially acceptable addictions...

we shop...to fantasize about another life, to daydream about what we do not have

we buy…to own, to compete, to consume, hoping that this purchase will fill us

we over work…to prove something, to earn more, to avoid others or ourselves

we overeat…to fill the cavernous void within, to numb, to desecrate

we purge…to gain absolution, to do penance, to control, to empty ourselves of the ugliness inside, to feel power, to exact revenge

we over exercise...to pummel our destructive urges, to destroy and to control desire

we consume media…to entertain, to conform, to escape, to occupy our minds, to dispel the excruciating silence of loneliness

we are over committed to the work of the church… to gain approval, to avoid guilt, to earn a ticket to heaven, to hide our struggles and our secrets, so no one finds out the truth

we watch, play, coach sports…to regain a moment of youth, to indulge the fantasy of broken dreams, to check out of the demands of family life

we gamble… to grasp the brass ring, to tickle our fantasy that a million dollars will make everything better, to feel like a winner…

we fantasize, about everything and anything…to escape the boredom, the tediousness, the constant reminders of our shortcomings, regrets, and inadequacies

we volunteer, for everything…to stay busy, to get someone to notice us, value us, need us

we clean and organize…to control the messiness of life, to create an illusion of order, to feel powerful, to escape the sorrow and mess of our own childhoods

we smother our kids, making them the center of our lives, indulging their whims…to relieve our lost childhoods, demanding, ever so subtly that they make us feel successful, to escape the boredom in our marriage, to avoid talking to our spouse

we pretend, using any and all means to avoid the painful truths of our life story…to keep busy, to perform, to avoid, hoping that if we just keep moving, pretending, scrambling, and denying, eventually we will convince ourselves that everything is fine

…or to become so numb that we no longer notice the pain.

we are all addicts…we are addicted to relief, and we will find it!

because to live in the truth,

to embrace the reality of our story

to acknowledge the loss, the abuse, the victimization, the lies, the fear, the power, the hatred, and our victimizing of others...

is too much to bear…

and it threatens to engulf us, to drown us…

if we pause

if we see

if we listen

if we feel…

so we keep going

snuggled up with our drug of choice

pretending to be fine…

until we read a story like marie’s…

and we see ourselves in the mirror of her life…

and for a brief moment we pause

and we feel the hurt and shame of truth…

and in that moment we have a choice…

admit that we are addicts…

in need of help,

in need of hope,

in need of Light,

in need of Truth,

that we are more than our additions

and we crack open the door

to look for another way…

or we choose darkness,

and return to the friend who has served us thus far…

and the addiction grows

and the bondage grows stronger

and the soul dies a bit more…

"Great is Thy Faithfulness, Oh God my Father"

Great is Thy Faithfulness, Oh God My Father…There is no shadow of turning with Thee, Thou changest not, Thy compassion it fails not…as Thou hast been, thou forever will be…

Great is Thy Faithfulness, Great is Thy Faithfulness, Morning by Morning, new mercies I see…All I have needed, Thy Hand hath provided, Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me…

One day, when I was 14, I got very angry with my mother, and rather than mouth off, which would only get me into more trouble, (I knew this from experience) I headed out the door for my very first run.  I remember the feeling of pounding my anger out on the pavement, the struggling for breath and then eventual peace that came, as my breathing became rhythmic and my strides began steady.  And as I ran, I worked through the verbiage that would never reach her ears; since that day, I have been a runner, a jogger really, but runner sound so much better.

I am inconsistent at times, faithful and dedicated at others.  Even after the longest stretches of literal winters and metaphoric winter seasons when my running shoes sit unlaced and unused by the back door, eventually I tie them up once again and hit the asphalt to work out the feelings and words that cannot be articulated.

I have written books while I run…wish I had a tape recorded, organized presentations, oh where was the whiteboard, composed letters, rehearsed difficult conversations, and envisioned ideas, but they remain forever lost on the pavement…remnants of moments in time that return only in glimpses and snippets when I sit in front of my laptop trying to recapture them.  More than anything else, when I run, I think and I pray… the rhythmic nature of my breathing centers me, calming my soul and stilling my mind that I might commune with g-d…and haggle and hash out and dream and envision and reason together…

On that day of my very first run, so many years ago, my dad told me an interesting story… “you are not supposed to be able to run…”  were his first words when I told him about the exhilarating way I had found to keep from mouthing off to my mom!  My puzzled look must have prompted him to expand on the following story…

unfolding beauty...

~and the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.    anais nin

I have been sitting on this quote, waiting till my friend sent me this incredible photo that he took...how fun to find that Susan, at visual voice, one of my new favorite blogs, just posted this same quote with one of her beautiful photos!

why i write G-d...

I have been asked why i write "G-d" in this manner.  the answer is simple really.  it is the way that i can show reverence and deference to the reality that the created mind can never fully comprehend the One Who Created It... so trying to find one name "god" for this Mystery is arrogant, difficult, and utterly impossible. 

I have come to a more encompassing name, the Incomprehensible Eternal One, but that is a lot to write each time i want to refer to the whole of g-d, or hint at the Mystery of BEING, and  "IEO" would confuse people;) 

The Hebrew people honored this reality of G-d being beyond their comprehension, by not speaking the name for G-d,  by instead say, "blessed be He," when referring to The Name for G-d as revealed to Moses, "I AM Who I AM " (transliterated as YHWH).  Then they use many other more specific names and revelations of this IEO as spoken names, Elohim, Adonai, El-Shaddai, in order to honor the personal nature of G-d. 

I like their humility and reverence.  it reverberates in my soul.  somehow, this refusal to speak or write the name of G-d, is a statement of our creatureliness in relationship to The Creator, yet i cannot bring myself to limit G-d to 'Blessed be He,' especially since revealing the feminine face of G-d is a passion of mine.  The accepted masculine terminology for the whole of G-d, denies the revelation, in Genesis 1-2, that we are made in G-d's image -both male and female!  We have lost the feminine revelation of G-d and we have few names to embrace or even contemplate this facet of the Incomprehensible Eternal One.

Thus i write G-d, like the Hebrews do: to allow there to be Mystery within the very name i use for The Incomprehensible Eternal One....to acknowledge the limits of our rudimentary language and its awkward inability to really name anything, beyond the accepted semiotic usage of the day and time... The limits of language intrigue me and i often rest on the fact that even G-d became frustrated with the limits of words and spoke The Incarnation- Jesus, Emmanuel, G-d with us, in the flesh... The Incarnation is g-d revealed in the context of relationship... and this transcends the limits of language. 

It is in relationship with G-d and with others that i experience the Incarnate Christ.  i have come to see many faces and revelations of G-d-- that have come through these relationships, as well as in the Scriptures, nature and even within the unfolding of my own soul's communion with g-d. These revelations and names have stirred me and i am working on a compilation of them, so to offer another glimpse into Mystery, and reveal more avenues to encountering and knowing The Incomprehensible Eternal One...

The is an ongoing question and extremely relevant in this emerging culture.  I would love to hear your names for G-d, how do you envision, encounter and engage with the Incomprehensible...what names/icons/images do you use for the Trinity, God the Father, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit in your spiritual journey?  How and why do they speak to you...or what if any writings/blog posts/books have expanded or challenged your thoughts in this arena...

Please send me those that you are willing to share, as i am aware that some are profoundly sacred and private...and we can learn from each other... SeLaH

innocence lost...

i just read anj's post return to innocence.  Many times her words and insights into this earthly sojourn often set my mind in motion and move my heart to respond.  Her beautiful words on innocence reminded me of work i did during my years in grad school on genesis 1-3, and i have been mulling over it again, more recently, so reading her words brought many thoughts and here are few of them...

Innocence lost... is it the end or the beginning?   A curse or a possibility, a closed door or an invitation to something other...

a beautiful day...

it is beautiful in DC today...one radio host said at 6 am, "it's going to be the best day so far this YEAR!"  is that because the sun is shining, its already 58 degrees out and going up to 80, the cherry blossoms are blooming, golf courses are packed...?

while i love the sunshine and days like this, i think about this past Saturday...it was cold; we had torrential rains, thunder, lightening...and yet for me and a few other women it was a beautiful day...why?   simple, we shared sacred fellowship and holy moments of redemption.

Martin Buber tells this story in his book "The Way of Man."  it came to my inbox via bruderhof and their daily dig.  Buber's story eloquently expresses the miracle of Saturday morning...

"Where is the dwelling of God?"  This was the question with which the Rabbi of Kotzk surprised a number of learned men who happened to be visiting him.  They laughed at him:  "What a thing to ask! Is not the whole world full of his glory?"  Then he answered his own question:  "God dwells wherever people let him in." 

And wherever people let him in, there is redemption...

i believe that redemptive moments, encountering g-d in the face of another, sacred moments of laughter and tears makes a day truly beautiful...amidst rain and thunder and lightening...and even sunshine...SeLaH

the day after, the day after...

easter tuesday...the day after, the day after easter... the holiday hoopla is over and yesterday it rained all day, and today the wind swept me off to work, already entrenched in the to do list of this week...

he is risen, i signed my emails, "he is risen indeed" was a common response.  but i didn't write and Easter post, spent the day with my family surrendering my blogging addiction to the greater good ( march madness and movies with my kids;) and i didn't even surf the web until monday eve after work... because i was inundated with the next thing...

"oh lord, i pray, help me not to lose sight of easter, as i live in the shadow of the resurrection...these are the days that you spent with your disciples...reminding them, comforting them, sharing meals and laughter and stories and hope with them...help me not to lose sight of the celebration that lingers until pentacost, but even more importantly, keep in full view the reality of the resurrection and all that it makes possible in my life today.  help easter monday to bring such anticipation for easter tuesday, and easter wednesday and so on, that there is little difference in my life today, tomorrow or next week, from my life and heartset on easter morn...that i might be authentically changed by the words..."god has raised him from the dead!"  while i celebrate the truth that someday i too, shall be raised,  help me to live reborn in the midst of to day and all its gritty details, i can each unfolding day, redeemed in soul and resurrected in spirit.

on silent saturday...

"Jesus is our guarantee of God's promise.  What happened in his body is the pattern of what must happen in all of the cosmos.  We are making up in time, in our body, what happened thirty-three years in the body of Jesus.  We are optimistic because we look at him and see the final pattern.  To be a Christian means to be an optimist because we know what happened on the third day.  We know that it worked, that Jesus' leap of faith was not in vain.  His trust was not in vain, and the Father raised hi up.  He trusted enough to outstare the darkness, to outstare the void, to wait upon the resurrection of the third day, not to try to create his own but to wait upon the resurrection of God.

The Scriptures and early Church seldom said, Jesus "rose" from the dead.  They aways say, "God raised him up!"  Good Friday inevitably comes into every life.  So does Holy Saturday.   In those moments of absurdity and darkness we want to say it's unreal, but Easter Sunday will come.  It is as certain as the dawn.  No longer is it an act of faith to believe in immortality, no longer is it an act of faith that some theologian must prove to me, because I have seen the pattern of the world worked out again and again.  The Paschal Mystery, the death that is embraced in love, does not lead to death but to life.  Absurdity which is embraced  and forgiven will not lead to meaninglessness but to freedom.  So what was Jesus' plan to overcome evil?  Attack it? No! Love it to death.  What is given to God is always transformed.  That is the eternal third day that we forever await."  (Richard Rohr, The Great Themes of Scripture)

i am haunted by the goodness of g-d,  haunted by the "easter sunday's" in my life, when the resurrection is borne out in the here and now.  the resurrection is revealed on this temporal plane when love defeats harm, and brings the courage to choose love in the face of evil... this is never done on my own strength, but by the Indwelling Spirit. and in those moments of pain and absurdity, i can honestly say that in time, i have seen g-d transform what is given to g-d...i am haunted by memories of redemption...g-d's redemptive work in my life and heart, when by g-d's hand i am transformed from death to life, from brokenness to beauty, from fear to faith...and i know the power his resurrection in real time.