sojourn stories...

surrender

I remember going to visit "Mum"  she was my surrogate grandma, when i was growing up.  She lived in a cabin in the woods in PA, cooked amazing Pot pie, played a mean hand of Canasta and she loved Jesus with all her heart.  She had a simple and deep, abiding faith, and i loved to go to her home and rest.  Even as a teen, I was aware of the heaviness of life at times, and i always found it restful, simple at Mum's and that somehow life made sense.

She was always humming or singing old hymns and one of her favorite's was "I Surrender All."  I think that I learned alot of theology, just hanging out with her, and this hymn way sacred to her, along with Everlasting Arms.  As i grew and learned more of her life story, i understood why.  The very fact that she could live surrendered to God, trusting and believing, not blindly, but Faith-filled and at rest, i admired and simutaneously could not grasp.

This past year has been one of ambivalence... of push-pull with a call to surrender and trust that has been like nails on a chalkboard to my "type A" personality.  I modified Mum's song to "I Surrender Some" and was doing fine!, thank you very much...

Remember the cliche about "FINE" (feeling insecure, neurotic, & emotional)  well, while i wasn't necessarily "fine" I was feeling Sick, tired and sick of being sick and tired... so obviously surrendering some, wasn't really working!  lol

So, after a lengthy battle, i decided that G-d wins and i would reassess.  Which translates to Rest--lots of rest and doctor visits, listening and yep, you guessed it... SURRENDER!

This meant saying "no, but thanks for asking, maybe at another time..."  Alot...

Alot more than i did in the past, Alot more than i like to... and trusting that G-d would bring opporutnites back around another day, month... year...

It was during this season of Surrender that a dear friend said these words to me regarding faith:  "Faith is not Believing that God Can, it is Knowing He Will."

These simple words rocked my world, as i thought about how much I Believe... and yet don't surrender and trust... because when it comes right down to it... i don't think i KNOW.

As i studied Scripture, i found many examples of Faith filled folks who Knew G-d Would...

and so i am camped there... learning to surrender....

Detours

Do you ever get so busy and so consumed with what you are doing that you miss the why... that you stumble along the road and keep going, without looking left or right at the scenery, up or down at the wonder and splendor of the very act of living...

I do... I have... and now I muse as I re-read the tagline for this Sojourn site:  places to rest & re-create... as i have done little of either recently.

I stopped blogging with Katrina, tried at times, but words stuck like sawdust in the gears of my mind and the screen remained blank.  I even stopped writing for a bit, and felt the loss of my hands, my soul becoming parched and distant in the absent comfort of words...

no answers yet, but an itching to write, to say something...

Places to rest & re-create... require time, silence and purposed stillness.  That is what i find myself in... housebound and bone tired due to continued health struggles that have resulted in a major asthma flare-up, tons of steriods and rest... and i wonder if it took all this to get my attention, that i had not been resting... and thus recreating had fallen by the wayside as well. 

Don't get me wrong, life has been busy as the days have trundled by, filled with the daily-ness of life, peppered with the changes that accompany growing teenagers, launching college kids, and  the demand of work.  However,  the getting by, getting through, is boring and i miss the creative moments of words and whimsy that comes with play.

Writing is play for me... therapy, sanity and intensely creative play.  Thoughts tumbled about...working  with and against each other to uncover the smooth seamless surface that reveals beauty.  Writing either in my jornal or her onmy blog enables me to see what i think and feel with a clarity like no other medium, and as i read and reflect, i am reminded again of my love of wordsmithing.

Detours... often take us off the beaten track and we find hidden respites and treasures.. this has not been such a detour for me...  it have been a long and weary trip through much wasteland, in which that i almost lost myself...and i am grateful to return to familiar soil and landscapes.  However, it was not without a few redemptive moments as desert wandering often is...

 

a few tidbits...

busy...busy... terribly busy.. as Madame Blueberry would say ;)  (the theology of Veggie Tales is right on the money at times ;)

Just a few tidbits to help catch you and me up!  I have the privilege of being part of  planning an event that focuses on the issues of Race and Diversity in the Emerging Church.  Many of you may have read the recent emergent/c where Tony Jones referenced this upcoming event.  It will be a theological discussion, far more than it will be a how to get a token ethnic family involved in your church or ministry.  It will be a place to confront our own prejudices and presuppositions and a forum to listen and to learn from others.  I am so excited about being part of this event!  If you are passionate about the issues of race: of inclusion and embrace then please email me!  or join the discussion on the blog that Jay Vorhees has set up and help shape the unfolding of this event!

I have been involved in some advocacy issue regarding the Lost Boys of Sudan; humbled at their courage and desire to return to their country in order to help with the rebuilding.  One of  my new friends, Angelo, is planning to return to Sudan in December and is seeking financial support for his trip.  If you are interested in supporting his courageous venture, please email me. 

I have been talking with Natala about the lack of writing that has plague me of late... since hurricane Katrina, when i struggled to find words, i have remained tongue tied and finger twisted. i love to write and yet i have found little solace in the written word.  i have done a lot of collaging of late...as the visual and tactile seem to be more cathartic. what i do write these days is profoundly inward and private... it is odd to not blog, to have lost the therapeutic and cathartic nature of this forum. 

if you have read any of my posts, you know that i do not post news, updates, FYI's or bullet points very often.  instead, i blog, for the most part, about the wrestlings of my heart, the ponderings of my mind and the theological and life questions that haunt me.  therefore, given that i have written little in my own writing life, i have had even less to say in this forum of late...

i am sorry for that.  i have felt guilty for that.  i have tried to be different in this reality.  i cannot force it.  the daily-ness of life has gotten the better of me recently. 

i wonder if surrender is just allowing "what is" to "be"

does that make sense?  equating surrender with acceptance of what i didn't plan on, may not like, would choose to change...

for example...the fact that my kids are in need of more attention, my high-schoolers are needing quantity time?  that my work has taken on new dimensions and requires more of my attention?  that my health has required me to cut back in every arena of my life, and thus put a number of my dreams on the back burner...

in younger days, i think i would fight, trying to make what i wanted to be true, come to be... now, in my middle years, i am wise enough to know that i cannot beat the reality of my daily-ness.  so i am joining it.  i am doing that which i know i am called to, taking care of the small circle of the world that is mine, and waiting... quietly.

i am becoming convinced that growth , that maturity in Christ is a willingness to surrender to what is real, what is true, whether i like it or not...

don't give up on me, i will be back... and i the meantime, every so often, i will be here...

banned books, fear and complex questions...

will has a great post on the issue of banned books.  He cites a list of the 100 most challenged books and asks which we have read.

the banning of books perplexes me...i am intrigued by the idea that "if we don't tell, then it won't be true!" 

i remember long ago, being challenged,

"Why is it that "non-christians make movies like The Killing Fields, and not christians?  What are we afraid of?"  With great passion, my friend declared, "We of anyone should be able to name and speak and tell and engage in what is true in the world today!  Until we do the gospel will continue to be distorted!"

I think that we Christians, we who claim to know the Truth, to have an intimate relationship with Jesus, who scandalously calimed to be The Truth, we must be willing to face the reality of this fallen world.

Why is it then that, far too often, our actions don't align with our beliefs?  Are we fearful of truth, or are we unwilling to tell it? Are we willing to engage in the messiness of life and enter into conversation about it?  through a book, through a neighbor's broken truth, through the concrete jungle that our children navigate every day in public school...?

I am not advocating reading every book every written, i am not saying that some books are better left unread...

I am simply asking, what guides us to reject or flee from certain topics, what makes us refuse to name the truth that is, especially when it is often ugly, difficult and without answer---seemingly beyond redemption?  (do we believe that there is a category of "beyond redemption?)

What motivates a fear driven posture in relationship to the world, the culture, the truth and stories that we cannot comprehend?  What justifies our refusal to see and name certain truth's however awful...

can we examine this energy in our own souls and stories... can we reflect on what this recoil, and the desire to control and contain says about our theology, our beliefs and the radical claims of Jesus?

will muses that he encounterd this list while reading an essay by Any Plantinga Pauw   in Practicing Theology,  entitled Attending to the Gaps between Beleifs and Practices

surfacing, treading water and not sure which way is toward land!

it has been a while... a long while since i have posted. 

life, stuff, and more life have gotten the better of me, threatened at times to engulf me in the crashing wave of "the urgent" 

there have been days of great delight, laughter and celebration as all of our birthdays fall within this six week interval...there have been tears and well wishing as my eldest left for college, older and wiser than i ever was at 20!

waves of fear and anticipation followed my youngest, my son to his first days as a freshman, and i must admit that these feelings and how to deal with them are not in the "how to mother a teenage boy manual."    (though the Scriptures bear out a few principles that have sustained me, as i watch and pray...but there are no guarantees, and that is risky, so profoundly risky, that it make me stand in awe of the freedom and love that G-d bestows on me).

i have had little to say in this forum of writing.  and i am increasingly aware that there is a dearth of content in my journal, empty pages in my sketch book, accompanied by a drowning sense of boredom...

and the only way out is through (as alanis so poetically sings it;)

in the recent stream of unending tasks, "to do" lists and urgent matters at hand, i have missed this medium of communicating, missed my friends in the blogosphere and missed the sanity that comes from a sojourn here...

so, i am finally surfacing.

it has been a long 6 weeks. 

i am treading water...

and

i am hoping to post more often...

my mind feels dry from the lack of conversation and thought provoking posts that pepper my bloglines, my heart is heavy in the midst of so much national tragedy and i must confess that i have been overwhelmed into silence and a small sphere of action through my local community.  I have even avoided reading blogs... yes a true absence!  and i miss this unique forum for interchange, expression and growth. 

they say that absence does make the heart grow fonder;)  just as soon as it gets over the guilt of shoulds and coulds and begins to engage in the "is" of now! 

I am waking up here, in the midst of incredible tension... increasingly aware of the frustrating finitude of the human life and the relentless passing of time, yet longing for the luxury of unstructured days...or even structured days that include time for that which is really important... the care and tending of my own soul...

the needs of my children and family have consumed me of late, and the care and tending of their souls brings me great joy and satisfaction.  they are my "important, " yet the chaos of being a mom, also makes them my "urgent" far too often, and i have neglected the care and tending of me...

i feel the limits of this mortal life pressing in on many sides and

i have struggled to find balance and clarity...

i am still struggling to find balance and clarity... why do i buy into the myth that i will ever arrive?  ;)

maybe that is the wrong struggle, struggling to "find"  rather than simply seeking "to be."

be-ing and time...

so, enough rambling... for now...

i just wanted the beginnings of a post...as i have learned that far too often that "beginning again" is the hardest step, and this is my feeble effort at such a leap...

in the midst of daily life...birthdays, packing up, getting ready for school and other busy-ness that makes life meaningful...

i have had a crazy few weeks, and i am pausing briefly, before skidding into this one with enough momentum and chaos to keep the wheels turning a bit longer...  in the next two weeks we have four birthdays...two very significant ones as my eldest daughter, Kate, turns 20!  and my second daughter, Emily turns 18!  (throw in mine and their dads and it is birthday cakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner).  kate keeps asking me if i feel old, now that she is going to be 20..."i mean 20!" she says with great expression and flair... "that is serious!" 

i, however, do not feel old... just very tired ;)  ( i am glad to still be young as we lean towared becoming empty nesters, so that john and i can travel and explore the parts of life that remained unventrued while we raised kids through our 20's and 30's...)  i think i will take a very long nap once everyone is back in school...just as soon as i clear off the bed;)

but i digress... these weeks have been fun, filled with laughter, lots of projects for kates very first apartment, getting my youngest, my son ready for highschool... which means driving him to and from football practice, and feeding him...alot!  having art parties with middle daughter, watching movies late into the night and sharing memories and margaritas with neighbors and friends... i am always sad to see the summer come to an end... (as much as i love the crisp feel of notebook paper, the promise of new books and back to school clothes, the freshness of fall, and the promise of a more scheduled life...i love the long, lazy days of summer vacation!)

So for the next week... i will be away from this wonderful world of the blogosphere... you will find me squeezing every drop of life out of these lingering moments... and i fear that stopping to write about them will chase them away all to soon...(though i imagine the running thought of "i can write/blog about this" will often corss my mind!)

i hope that you are enjoying these last snippets of unscheduled and unstructured time and i will see you in september!

shalom

addictions part 3...

A few of the comments in Natala’s final post were confessions…of people, of pastors who struggle with sexual addictions...there were many comments and emails from people who wondered what to do with their own bondage to judgment, fears, and addictive behaviors that encase souls, destroy lives and deaden hearts…

Looking truth full in the face takes courage and profound humility as we admit our brokenness…

Jesus will meet our eyes as we reveal that which we have kept hidden…Jesus knows our secrets and longs to mend our souls…

Imagine the dusty courtyard, as Jesus looked down at the woman caught in adultery, thrown on the ground before him, awaiting condemnation and death…

Imagine his tender and knowing gaze…did she have the courage to glance up or was she curled up in a ball to protect herself from the oncoming stones…Jesus looked at the angry crown and said to the accusing onlookers, to the‘righteous ones,’ “Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone..."

Then slowly, in the thickening silence the woman heard a thud…as the dust from a dropped stone, spattered on her hands and mixed with the tears of fear and sorrow as they streamed down her face...as the oldest rabbi, turned and walked away…and then another thud, and two more… as those who knew their own sin and struggles faced the truth… “this woman, who we have condemned as vile is not that different from me."

I wonder if Jesus met the eyes of her accusers and in a knowing silence, saw the truth about their inner world, their struggles and the places that each of them had illegitimately and thus sinfully sought solace from the harsh Roman world, relief from the disappointing absence of the long awaited Messiah, or a break from the stringent codes of Levite law that could be so oppressive at times.

And I wonder if as they felt seen and know there was no longer the ability to condemn either the woman or themselves.

We have been taught to judge those who are different from us, conditioned to divide people into categories of good or bad based on actions and lifestyles that have been deemed right or wrong… and I simply do not see Jesus doing this. 

Throughout the gospels he treated everyone with kindness and acceptance regardless of their lifestyle and deeds, and in doing so he touched the dignity within them, the spark of the divine image smoldering deep within their souls and rekindling it, awakening them to who they were created to be…this was the way of Jesus, not words of judgment and shunning, not division of acceptable and unacceptable groups to hang out with, share a meal, laugh with, listen to, or show love towards. 

The only group of people that I see Jesus speaking harsh words to are the religious folks, who are so caught up in their own righteousness that they judge and exclude and condemn others…including Jesus.

Please read the next 2 paragraphs:

I am not saying that there is no right and wrong, that there are not actions and deeds that are grievous and destructive to ones own soul and life as well as others.  I firmly believe that some actions and choices more heinous than others, that some have devastating consequences for those involved.

I am saying that it is not our place to judge people, to treat them without the love and dignity that Jesus did because they have chosen a path of foolish and destructive actions.  I am saying that we are called to a higher standard...the standard of love.

While Jesus was firm and clear about the ways of life that lead to destruction, he never treated people with disdain or disgust, but with a sorrow for their bondage and a hope and call to their created purpose.  Somehow Jesus walked the razor’s edge of honesty and love…bold love…

A bold love that spoke difficult words,

Words that named the truth

The decay and destruction

Of actions

Choices

Words

A bold love that called forth

Dignity

Desire

Destiny

Rather than condemn and cast aside

Love that was active and accepting

While piercing and expecting at the same time

And tender and merciful in its strength…

This is the love we are called to, this is the lens through which we are to see our brothers and sisters, regardless of their deeds, without denying the fallout of destructive choices.

There are a few necessary questions to ask ourselves whenever we think about addictions…

Are we accusers… or are we fellow addicts, with a drug of a different choice?

Are we pointing fingers or are we coming alongside and admitting that we struggle too with an overwhelming desire for relief…for a moment of oblivion?

Are we willing to face our prison of pretense?

Are we willing to be honest…

about our fear of the Light,

that threatens to undo us in its brightness and expose our strategies for control and relief?

Are we willing to admit…

our hesitancy to walk away from the temporary satiation of relief?

Are we willing to name…

our terror, our racing heart, our sweaty palms that come with facing the pain of our stories, admitting the truth of our actions, embracing the sorrow of reality?

The snare of addictions is clever, binding, and deceptive…

And we are often like the proverbial frog in the pot of water, who isn’t aware of the increasing heat until it is too late…we underestimate the power and draw of our addictions until we are in way too far over our heads, still convinced that we can pull out at any time…regroup and “be fine” with just a few “easy” changes. 

And thus, we deceive ourselves…

addictions...part 2

(read: addicitons...part 1)

Sexual addiction is serious, and being caught in the web of pornography is soul deadening, but as we enter into talking about these issues, it is imperative that we all look in the mirror and see that we are addicted.  We all seek to relieve pain, to escape the painful present in a variety of ways… and we all suffer from the damage to the soul that accompanies being addicted to relief as well as the additional external consequences that vary by addiction.

I am not downplaying the destructive nature of sexual struggles, issues…addictions.  I am simply stating that we have relegated some addictions to acceptable category and others to the

unacceptable category, often based on the external fallout associated with them.  And in doing so, we have dismissed and negated the core issue of all addictions… an idolatrous heart that refuses to live in the Story of G-d as it unfolds…we don’t know what G-d allows, ordains, orchestrates or prevents… we only know the agony of our internal bleeding when we face the truth of our story in its fullness of both glory and pain…

And our hearts refuse to bleed in the hands of a mysterious and unpredictable G-d, who promises faithfulness, goodness and help in time of need, but did not bring these things to bear in our timing or in our way…Why would we trust this G-d, we cannot control or predict how life will unfold if we do let go and trust.  We look back and decide that G-d’s track record of pain relief, of protection from harm, of intervening for the innocent, of acting on behalf of the righteous is not all that great…so we conclude that we must protect ourselves.  And we find socially acceptable ways to do so…

It is far more acceptable to be an over-worked, over-extended, overweight, eating disordered, exercise addicted, control freak Christian than one who struggles with smoking, alcohol, sexual deviance, pornography and/or chronic masturbation…

but make no mistake, the origin of all thse behaviors is the same...

a frantic demand to escape the realities of living in a broken world

a raised fist, shaken at G-d in rebellion and fury at the unfolding of our life stories...

all of our carefully constructed, seemingly justifiable behaviors and mindsets are the marks of idolatry...

Idolatry = I worship my way, my understanding, my constructed life…

I chose to be self sufficient…rather than be at the mercy of G-d

Jesus taught about the publican and the Pharisee, one knew his brokenness and one who haughtily hid behind acceptable ‘behaviors’ and a hardened judgmental heart, fully confident in his own abilities, understanding and control.

A self-sufficient posture appeeals to the human mind, except the mirage of control eventually fades, revealing a posture that leads to bondage, to self-righteousness and ultimately to bondage.  In our prison of pretense, we lose sigght of th truth that there is not sin, there is not struggle, there is no addiction that cannot be addressed in the healing grace of G-d.

The violence of addictions against one’s own soul as wwell as the soul of the others who are the victims of our addictions do not need to continue in the vicious cycle of lies and hiding.  Truth, any and all truth, can be brought into the light in the presence of Christ.

if we really believed what we claim to believe

if we really thought that all things are possible with G-d

if we had the courage to live out the things that we teach and say and write

if we glimpsed, even for a momoment, the profound and full humanity of Jesus

if we leaned into the unconditional love of G-d, against all our contradictory data

if we had faith, the size of a mustard seed…

then we might crack open the door of our vaulted heart and allow a glimmer of Light to piercce the darkness of our shrouded and fear-filled souls…

(part 3 coming next week)

addictions...part 1

Natala and I were talking last night, and she asked for some advice regarding the many emails and comments that she received on her recent “porn star series of 8 posts.”   After talking a while, I told her that I would write a post with some info on dealing with sexual issues, addictions really.

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes, so lets get one thing straight from the beginning…

we are all addicted

we just vary our ‘drug” of choice

we are all addicted to relief…

we want out of this broken world,

we demand a break from the pain and sorrow,

we seek a breather from the bone crushing angst of life,

we must numb our pain…

and we are experts at doing so…

we flee into mind numbing, soul searing, life altering addictions…

we do drugs…to get away, to manage, to take the edge off, to get through

we drink…to remember, to forget, to engage, to disengage, to have sex, to disappear

we use pornography…to control and demand that someone make us feel powerful, virile, and desired…at least in our fantasies

we use sex…to control, to demean, to consume, to condemn, to deny and destroy beauty.

we choose socially acceptable addictions...

we shop...to fantasize about another life, to daydream about what we do not have

we buy…to own, to compete, to consume, hoping that this purchase will fill us

we over work…to prove something, to earn more, to avoid others or ourselves

we overeat…to fill the cavernous void within, to numb, to desecrate

we purge…to gain absolution, to do penance, to control, to empty ourselves of the ugliness inside, to feel power, to exact revenge

we over exercise...to pummel our destructive urges, to destroy and to control desire

we consume media…to entertain, to conform, to escape, to occupy our minds, to dispel the excruciating silence of loneliness

we are over committed to the work of the church… to gain approval, to avoid guilt, to earn a ticket to heaven, to hide our struggles and our secrets, so no one finds out the truth

we watch, play, coach sports…to regain a moment of youth, to indulge the fantasy of broken dreams, to check out of the demands of family life

we gamble… to grasp the brass ring, to tickle our fantasy that a million dollars will make everything better, to feel like a winner…

we fantasize, about everything and anything…to escape the boredom, the tediousness, the constant reminders of our shortcomings, regrets, and inadequacies

we volunteer, for everything…to stay busy, to get someone to notice us, value us, need us

we clean and organize…to control the messiness of life, to create an illusion of order, to feel powerful, to escape the sorrow and mess of our own childhoods

we smother our kids, making them the center of our lives, indulging their whims…to relieve our lost childhoods, demanding, ever so subtly that they make us feel successful, to escape the boredom in our marriage, to avoid talking to our spouse

we pretend, using any and all means to avoid the painful truths of our life story…to keep busy, to perform, to avoid, hoping that if we just keep moving, pretending, scrambling, and denying, eventually we will convince ourselves that everything is fine

…or to become so numb that we no longer notice the pain.

we are all addicts…we are addicted to relief, and we will find it!

because to live in the truth,

to embrace the reality of our story

to acknowledge the loss, the abuse, the victimization, the lies, the fear, the power, the hatred, and our victimizing of others...

is too much to bear…

and it threatens to engulf us, to drown us…

if we pause

if we see

if we listen

if we feel…

so we keep going

snuggled up with our drug of choice

pretending to be fine…

until we read a story like marie’s…

and we see ourselves in the mirror of her life…

and for a brief moment we pause

and we feel the hurt and shame of truth…

and in that moment we have a choice…

admit that we are addicts…

in need of help,

in need of hope,

in need of Light,

in need of Truth,

that we are more than our additions

and we crack open the door

to look for another way…

or we choose darkness,

and return to the friend who has served us thus far…

and the addiction grows

and the bondage grows stronger

and the soul dies a bit more…

and i get to be her friend...

natala, has written a series of amazing posts...

i read them with tears in my eyes, anticipating the next posts... and so glad that i just got to reading blogs this week, or i would have been impatient for the next part of the story... it is a beautiful unfolding of love and grace and raw honesty... and i read them thinking... and this amazing woman is my friend...how great is that!