surfacing, treading water and not sure which way is toward land!

it has been a while... a long while since i have posted. 

life, stuff, and more life have gotten the better of me, threatened at times to engulf me in the crashing wave of "the urgent" 

there have been days of great delight, laughter and celebration as all of our birthdays fall within this six week interval...there have been tears and well wishing as my eldest left for college, older and wiser than i ever was at 20!

waves of fear and anticipation followed my youngest, my son to his first days as a freshman, and i must admit that these feelings and how to deal with them are not in the "how to mother a teenage boy manual."    (though the Scriptures bear out a few principles that have sustained me, as i watch and pray...but there are no guarantees, and that is risky, so profoundly risky, that it make me stand in awe of the freedom and love that G-d bestows on me).

i have had little to say in this forum of writing.  and i am increasingly aware that there is a dearth of content in my journal, empty pages in my sketch book, accompanied by a drowning sense of boredom...

and the only way out is through (as alanis so poetically sings it;)

in the recent stream of unending tasks, "to do" lists and urgent matters at hand, i have missed this medium of communicating, missed my friends in the blogosphere and missed the sanity that comes from a sojourn here...

so, i am finally surfacing.

it has been a long 6 weeks. 

i am treading water...

and

i am hoping to post more often...

my mind feels dry from the lack of conversation and thought provoking posts that pepper my bloglines, my heart is heavy in the midst of so much national tragedy and i must confess that i have been overwhelmed into silence and a small sphere of action through my local community.  I have even avoided reading blogs... yes a true absence!  and i miss this unique forum for interchange, expression and growth. 

they say that absence does make the heart grow fonder;)  just as soon as it gets over the guilt of shoulds and coulds and begins to engage in the "is" of now! 

I am waking up here, in the midst of incredible tension... increasingly aware of the frustrating finitude of the human life and the relentless passing of time, yet longing for the luxury of unstructured days...or even structured days that include time for that which is really important... the care and tending of my own soul...

the needs of my children and family have consumed me of late, and the care and tending of their souls brings me great joy and satisfaction.  they are my "important, " yet the chaos of being a mom, also makes them my "urgent" far too often, and i have neglected the care and tending of me...

i feel the limits of this mortal life pressing in on many sides and

i have struggled to find balance and clarity...

i am still struggling to find balance and clarity... why do i buy into the myth that i will ever arrive?  ;)

maybe that is the wrong struggle, struggling to "find"  rather than simply seeking "to be."

be-ing and time...

so, enough rambling... for now...

i just wanted the beginnings of a post...as i have learned that far too often that "beginning again" is the hardest step, and this is my feeble effort at such a leap...

Comments

[penni]

your post reminds me of lyrics in a jars of clay song, sinking: Treading water I keep from sinking - I'm not one for reaching.

it's okay to reach, a lot of people probably have you on their bloglines for when you do put up something, however sporadic your posting may be. i've missed you and was happy to see you here and at *susie*

i am glad you are well.

[Karyn]

Oh Susie, how well I relate. The caring of those I love so deeply can drain me. I can no longer care for them the "right" way if I'm not nourishing my own soul. The dark days of my soul seem upon me again, as I seek to allow the Light into the blackness.
much love to you.
Karyn

[natala]

i totally am with you... and so glad that you are taking care of yourself in the ways that you have - much love to you -

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