sojourn stories...

Henri Nouwen's wisdom...

This Henri Nouwen quote arived in my mailbox today, and it reminded me of the call to a life of choice, discipline, and living by the guidance of the Spirit, in community with others struggling to do the same...

"When we look critically at the many thoughts and feelings that fill our minds and hearts, we may come to the horrifying discovery that we often choose death instead of life, curse instead of blessing. Jealousy, envy, anger, resentment, greed, lust, vindictiveness, revenge, hatred ... they all float in that large reservoir of our inner life. Often we take them for granted and allow them to be there and do their destructive work.

But God asks us to choose life and to choose blessing. This choice requires an immense inner discipline. It requires a great attentiveness to the death-forces within us and a great commitment to let the forces of life come to dominate our thoughts and feelings. We cannot always do this alone; often we need a caring guide or a loving community to support us. But it is important that we both make the inner effort and seek the support we need from others to help us choose life."

For those who walk with me, bear with me through my faltering steps, love and challenge me along the way, I am immensely grateful and rich indeed!

in the midst of daily life...birthdays, packing up, getting ready for school and other busy-ness that makes life meaningful...

i have had a crazy few weeks, and i am pausing briefly, before skidding into this one with enough momentum and chaos to keep the wheels turning a bit longer...  in the next two weeks we have four birthdays...two very significant ones as my eldest daughter, Kate, turns 20!  and my second daughter, Emily turns 18!  (throw in mine and their dads and it is birthday cakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner).  kate keeps asking me if i feel old, now that she is going to be 20..."i mean 20!" she says with great expression and flair... "that is serious!" 

i, however, do not feel old... just very tired ;)  ( i am glad to still be young as we lean towared becoming empty nesters, so that john and i can travel and explore the parts of life that remained unventrued while we raised kids through our 20's and 30's...)  i think i will take a very long nap once everyone is back in school...just as soon as i clear off the bed;)

but i digress... these weeks have been fun, filled with laughter, lots of projects for kates very first apartment, getting my youngest, my son ready for highschool... which means driving him to and from football practice, and feeding him...alot!  having art parties with middle daughter, watching movies late into the night and sharing memories and margaritas with neighbors and friends... i am always sad to see the summer come to an end... (as much as i love the crisp feel of notebook paper, the promise of new books and back to school clothes, the freshness of fall, and the promise of a more scheduled life...i love the long, lazy days of summer vacation!)

So for the next week... i will be away from this wonderful world of the blogosphere... you will find me squeezing every drop of life out of these lingering moments... and i fear that stopping to write about them will chase them away all to soon...(though i imagine the running thought of "i can write/blog about this" will often corss my mind!)

i hope that you are enjoying these last snippets of unscheduled and unstructured time and i will see you in september!

shalom

fasting and praying on behalf of those in extreme poverty

Tell President Bush you will pray and fast to fight global poverty

Every day 30,000 children die a preventable death due to extreme poverty. Yet we have the power to prevent this silent tsunami. What is missing is the moral and political will to do so.

We are calling on more than 30,000 people to declare to President Bush their intention to fast and pray during the World Summit at the United Nations, September 14-16. A fast can be as simple as sacrificing one meal during the course of the Summit, which can serve as a spiritual and personal act of solidarity with the billions of people across the world who go without food and basic necessities every day. Even this relatively small sacrifice will strengthen our call for real and specific policies to fight global poverty.

Sojourners is calling for 30,000 people to fast and pray during the World Summit at the United Nations, September 14-16, 2005.  visit the site and read about their 30,000 campaign and sign up to participate! 

I don't know if you have ever fasted...but i have found that it is an important part of spiritual formation.  Fasting offers a chance to be truly present to a deeper hunger, the hunger of the soul for the goodness of G-d  to be seen in the land of the living.  Fasting offers us a chance to experience for a brief time the hunger that many people, that millions of children live with day in and day out until they slowly starve to death. 

When i was young, we would fast the first Sunday of every month, from after Saturday dinner around 6pm until after church on Sunday's around 1pm.  This seemed like an eternity to me as an 8-12 year old... my stomach would rumble as the church service seemed interminably long... and then there was the wonderful smell of the roast (that had been coking while we were at church), wafting through the air, assaulting my senses, as soon as i walked in the front door! 

thin places: preaching sermons, serving sodas, juggling way too many commitments...and learning alot along the way

I have not written much recently… It has been a very long two weeks… on top of our swinging summer door (which I love, because it means alot of kids at our house), and the general frenzy in getting ready for Kate to go back to college (she is renting her first apartment), juggling clients due to various vacation schedules, and writing, I also preached for the first two Sundays in August.  Quite honestly, it was a blast to preach… we have an amazing worship director, whose creativity and excellence made the whole process a learning experience for me.  I am astounded at all the details that she handles in order to orchestrate the morning services every Sunday… the graphics, the music, the timing, the volunteers who make the whole worship experience rich and meaningful…she has a huge job and she does it so well.

The first Sunday, I preached a sermon entitled: Thin Places, based on John 5:4-42, the story of the Samaritan woman and Jesus at Jacob’s well.  Thin Places is a Celtic term for the places that the veil between heaven and eath is lifted and we have encounters with the Divine.  Jacob's well was such a place.

I approached the text focusing on all of the things that Jesus does in relationship with her, and thus exemplifying God's desire for relationship with us.

He pursues, initiates, engages and more! One of the fun parts of preparing was searching the web and various art archives for portrayals of Jesus and the woman at the well in different ethnicities.

I found some beautiful artwork of Jesus and the woman at the well from Africa, China, Japan, Malaysia and India.  Hopefully, this variety of cultural and ethic art visually communicated that Jesus is not white man’s god, made in our image… Additionally, I got to write the daily devotional that our church puts out each week, which corresponds to the sermon.  It has been a while since I have spent time writing simple commentary and questions to ponder, so that we might go deeper into the passage, the message and their application to our lives.  (listen to the sermon).

This week was a totally different type of service.  It was a far more difficult service to prepare for and it deserves a post of its own.  We did an awareness service on the situation in Sudan, southern Sudan and Darfur, Sudan.  After the peace vigil that planned in mid July, our pastor asked if I would re-work it for a Sunday service.  I agreed with a bit of trepidation, wondering how people would receive such a difficult message at the Sunday morning service. (Most people come to Sunday worship with the hope of being encouraged and uplifted, assuming that they will leave “feeling better,”  and this service was going to challenge, confront, convict in its inspiration and encouragement).

We shared about the genocide in Darfur, and the history and fallout of the 21 year civil war in Southern Sudan.  We had a variety of visual portrayals of the reality of the horrors and atrocities experienced by the Sudanese people.  We set up prayer stations around the room that offered propel a place to respond to the message of the morning the highlight of the service as the participation of Angelo Mangar Maker, one of the lost boys of Sudan, who shared his story of tragedy and triumph, putting face on the horrors of Sudan, and the miracle of faith. 

This week, I have been spent with the emotion of planning and carrying out this service… my heart has been so burdened, for the people of Sudan, and for the hearts and minds of those who would hear these stories for the first time.  I am thrilled to be part of a body of Christ that believes in being not only aware, but active in the world and is committed to the call to do justice, to love mercy and to walk humbly with God.

I will post more in the days to come… I need a really long nap and a bit of silence to gain the space to write about this powerful experience and the privilege it was to participate in bringing the story of Sudanese to the people of the our church community.

addictions part 3...

A few of the comments in Natala’s final post were confessions…of people, of pastors who struggle with sexual addictions...there were many comments and emails from people who wondered what to do with their own bondage to judgment, fears, and addictive behaviors that encase souls, destroy lives and deaden hearts…

Looking truth full in the face takes courage and profound humility as we admit our brokenness…

Jesus will meet our eyes as we reveal that which we have kept hidden…Jesus knows our secrets and longs to mend our souls…

Imagine the dusty courtyard, as Jesus looked down at the woman caught in adultery, thrown on the ground before him, awaiting condemnation and death…

Imagine his tender and knowing gaze…did she have the courage to glance up or was she curled up in a ball to protect herself from the oncoming stones…Jesus looked at the angry crown and said to the accusing onlookers, to the‘righteous ones,’ “Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone..."

Then slowly, in the thickening silence the woman heard a thud…as the dust from a dropped stone, spattered on her hands and mixed with the tears of fear and sorrow as they streamed down her face...as the oldest rabbi, turned and walked away…and then another thud, and two more… as those who knew their own sin and struggles faced the truth… “this woman, who we have condemned as vile is not that different from me."

I wonder if Jesus met the eyes of her accusers and in a knowing silence, saw the truth about their inner world, their struggles and the places that each of them had illegitimately and thus sinfully sought solace from the harsh Roman world, relief from the disappointing absence of the long awaited Messiah, or a break from the stringent codes of Levite law that could be so oppressive at times.

And I wonder if as they felt seen and know there was no longer the ability to condemn either the woman or themselves.

We have been taught to judge those who are different from us, conditioned to divide people into categories of good or bad based on actions and lifestyles that have been deemed right or wrong… and I simply do not see Jesus doing this. 

Throughout the gospels he treated everyone with kindness and acceptance regardless of their lifestyle and deeds, and in doing so he touched the dignity within them, the spark of the divine image smoldering deep within their souls and rekindling it, awakening them to who they were created to be…this was the way of Jesus, not words of judgment and shunning, not division of acceptable and unacceptable groups to hang out with, share a meal, laugh with, listen to, or show love towards. 

The only group of people that I see Jesus speaking harsh words to are the religious folks, who are so caught up in their own righteousness that they judge and exclude and condemn others…including Jesus.

Please read the next 2 paragraphs:

I am not saying that there is no right and wrong, that there are not actions and deeds that are grievous and destructive to ones own soul and life as well as others.  I firmly believe that some actions and choices more heinous than others, that some have devastating consequences for those involved.

I am saying that it is not our place to judge people, to treat them without the love and dignity that Jesus did because they have chosen a path of foolish and destructive actions.  I am saying that we are called to a higher standard...the standard of love.

While Jesus was firm and clear about the ways of life that lead to destruction, he never treated people with disdain or disgust, but with a sorrow for their bondage and a hope and call to their created purpose.  Somehow Jesus walked the razor’s edge of honesty and love…bold love…

A bold love that spoke difficult words,

Words that named the truth

The decay and destruction

Of actions

Choices

Words

A bold love that called forth

Dignity

Desire

Destiny

Rather than condemn and cast aside

Love that was active and accepting

While piercing and expecting at the same time

And tender and merciful in its strength…

This is the love we are called to, this is the lens through which we are to see our brothers and sisters, regardless of their deeds, without denying the fallout of destructive choices.

There are a few necessary questions to ask ourselves whenever we think about addictions…

Are we accusers… or are we fellow addicts, with a drug of a different choice?

Are we pointing fingers or are we coming alongside and admitting that we struggle too with an overwhelming desire for relief…for a moment of oblivion?

Are we willing to face our prison of pretense?

Are we willing to be honest…

about our fear of the Light,

that threatens to undo us in its brightness and expose our strategies for control and relief?

Are we willing to admit…

our hesitancy to walk away from the temporary satiation of relief?

Are we willing to name…

our terror, our racing heart, our sweaty palms that come with facing the pain of our stories, admitting the truth of our actions, embracing the sorrow of reality?

The snare of addictions is clever, binding, and deceptive…

And we are often like the proverbial frog in the pot of water, who isn’t aware of the increasing heat until it is too late…we underestimate the power and draw of our addictions until we are in way too far over our heads, still convinced that we can pull out at any time…regroup and “be fine” with just a few “easy” changes. 

And thus, we deceive ourselves…

addictions...part 2

(read: addicitons...part 1)

Sexual addiction is serious, and being caught in the web of pornography is soul deadening, but as we enter into talking about these issues, it is imperative that we all look in the mirror and see that we are addicted.  We all seek to relieve pain, to escape the painful present in a variety of ways… and we all suffer from the damage to the soul that accompanies being addicted to relief as well as the additional external consequences that vary by addiction.

I am not downplaying the destructive nature of sexual struggles, issues…addictions.  I am simply stating that we have relegated some addictions to acceptable category and others to the

unacceptable category, often based on the external fallout associated with them.  And in doing so, we have dismissed and negated the core issue of all addictions… an idolatrous heart that refuses to live in the Story of G-d as it unfolds…we don’t know what G-d allows, ordains, orchestrates or prevents… we only know the agony of our internal bleeding when we face the truth of our story in its fullness of both glory and pain…

And our hearts refuse to bleed in the hands of a mysterious and unpredictable G-d, who promises faithfulness, goodness and help in time of need, but did not bring these things to bear in our timing or in our way…Why would we trust this G-d, we cannot control or predict how life will unfold if we do let go and trust.  We look back and decide that G-d’s track record of pain relief, of protection from harm, of intervening for the innocent, of acting on behalf of the righteous is not all that great…so we conclude that we must protect ourselves.  And we find socially acceptable ways to do so…

It is far more acceptable to be an over-worked, over-extended, overweight, eating disordered, exercise addicted, control freak Christian than one who struggles with smoking, alcohol, sexual deviance, pornography and/or chronic masturbation…

but make no mistake, the origin of all thse behaviors is the same...

a frantic demand to escape the realities of living in a broken world

a raised fist, shaken at G-d in rebellion and fury at the unfolding of our life stories...

all of our carefully constructed, seemingly justifiable behaviors and mindsets are the marks of idolatry...

Idolatry = I worship my way, my understanding, my constructed life…

I chose to be self sufficient…rather than be at the mercy of G-d

Jesus taught about the publican and the Pharisee, one knew his brokenness and one who haughtily hid behind acceptable ‘behaviors’ and a hardened judgmental heart, fully confident in his own abilities, understanding and control.

A self-sufficient posture appeeals to the human mind, except the mirage of control eventually fades, revealing a posture that leads to bondage, to self-righteousness and ultimately to bondage.  In our prison of pretense, we lose sigght of th truth that there is not sin, there is not struggle, there is no addiction that cannot be addressed in the healing grace of G-d.

The violence of addictions against one’s own soul as wwell as the soul of the others who are the victims of our addictions do not need to continue in the vicious cycle of lies and hiding.  Truth, any and all truth, can be brought into the light in the presence of Christ.

if we really believed what we claim to believe

if we really thought that all things are possible with G-d

if we had the courage to live out the things that we teach and say and write

if we glimpsed, even for a momoment, the profound and full humanity of Jesus

if we leaned into the unconditional love of G-d, against all our contradictory data

if we had faith, the size of a mustard seed…

then we might crack open the door of our vaulted heart and allow a glimmer of Light to piercce the darkness of our shrouded and fear-filled souls…

(part 3 coming next week)

addictions...part 1

Natala and I were talking last night, and she asked for some advice regarding the many emails and comments that she received on her recent “porn star series of 8 posts.”   After talking a while, I told her that I would write a post with some info on dealing with sexual issues, addictions really.

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes, so lets get one thing straight from the beginning…

we are all addicted

we just vary our ‘drug” of choice

we are all addicted to relief…

we want out of this broken world,

we demand a break from the pain and sorrow,

we seek a breather from the bone crushing angst of life,

we must numb our pain…

and we are experts at doing so…

we flee into mind numbing, soul searing, life altering addictions…

we do drugs…to get away, to manage, to take the edge off, to get through

we drink…to remember, to forget, to engage, to disengage, to have sex, to disappear

we use pornography…to control and demand that someone make us feel powerful, virile, and desired…at least in our fantasies

we use sex…to control, to demean, to consume, to condemn, to deny and destroy beauty.

we choose socially acceptable addictions...

we shop...to fantasize about another life, to daydream about what we do not have

we buy…to own, to compete, to consume, hoping that this purchase will fill us

we over work…to prove something, to earn more, to avoid others or ourselves

we overeat…to fill the cavernous void within, to numb, to desecrate

we purge…to gain absolution, to do penance, to control, to empty ourselves of the ugliness inside, to feel power, to exact revenge

we over exercise...to pummel our destructive urges, to destroy and to control desire

we consume media…to entertain, to conform, to escape, to occupy our minds, to dispel the excruciating silence of loneliness

we are over committed to the work of the church… to gain approval, to avoid guilt, to earn a ticket to heaven, to hide our struggles and our secrets, so no one finds out the truth

we watch, play, coach sports…to regain a moment of youth, to indulge the fantasy of broken dreams, to check out of the demands of family life

we gamble… to grasp the brass ring, to tickle our fantasy that a million dollars will make everything better, to feel like a winner…

we fantasize, about everything and anything…to escape the boredom, the tediousness, the constant reminders of our shortcomings, regrets, and inadequacies

we volunteer, for everything…to stay busy, to get someone to notice us, value us, need us

we clean and organize…to control the messiness of life, to create an illusion of order, to feel powerful, to escape the sorrow and mess of our own childhoods

we smother our kids, making them the center of our lives, indulging their whims…to relieve our lost childhoods, demanding, ever so subtly that they make us feel successful, to escape the boredom in our marriage, to avoid talking to our spouse

we pretend, using any and all means to avoid the painful truths of our life story…to keep busy, to perform, to avoid, hoping that if we just keep moving, pretending, scrambling, and denying, eventually we will convince ourselves that everything is fine

…or to become so numb that we no longer notice the pain.

we are all addicts…we are addicted to relief, and we will find it!

because to live in the truth,

to embrace the reality of our story

to acknowledge the loss, the abuse, the victimization, the lies, the fear, the power, the hatred, and our victimizing of others...

is too much to bear…

and it threatens to engulf us, to drown us…

if we pause

if we see

if we listen

if we feel…

so we keep going

snuggled up with our drug of choice

pretending to be fine…

until we read a story like marie’s…

and we see ourselves in the mirror of her life…

and for a brief moment we pause

and we feel the hurt and shame of truth…

and in that moment we have a choice…

admit that we are addicts…

in need of help,

in need of hope,

in need of Light,

in need of Truth,

that we are more than our additions

and we crack open the door

to look for another way…

or we choose darkness,

and return to the friend who has served us thus far…

and the addiction grows

and the bondage grows stronger

and the soul dies a bit more…