Natala and I were talking last night, and she asked for some advice regarding the many emails and comments that she received on her recent “porn star series of 8 posts.” After talking a while, I told her that I would write a post with some info on dealing with sexual issues, addictions really.
Addictions come in all shapes and sizes, so lets get one thing straight from the beginning…
we are all addicted
we just vary our ‘drug” of choice
we are all addicted to relief…
we want out of this broken world,
we demand a break from the pain and sorrow,
we seek a breather from the bone crushing angst of life,
we must numb our pain…
and we are experts at doing so…
we flee into mind numbing, soul searing, life altering addictions…
we do drugs…to get away, to manage, to take the edge off, to get through
we drink…to remember, to forget, to engage, to disengage, to have sex, to disappear
we use pornography…to control and demand that someone make us feel powerful, virile, and desired…at least in our fantasies
we use sex…to control, to demean, to consume, to condemn, to deny and destroy beauty.
we choose socially acceptable addictions...
we shop...to fantasize about another life, to daydream about what we do not have
we buy…to own, to compete, to consume, hoping that this purchase will fill us
we over work…to prove something, to earn more, to avoid others or ourselves
we overeat…to fill the cavernous void within, to numb, to desecrate
we purge…to gain absolution, to do penance, to control, to empty ourselves of the ugliness inside, to feel power, to exact revenge
we over exercise...to pummel our destructive urges, to destroy and to control desire
we consume media…to entertain, to conform, to escape, to occupy our minds, to dispel the excruciating silence of loneliness
we are over committed to the work of the church… to gain approval, to avoid guilt, to earn a ticket to heaven, to hide our struggles and our secrets, so no one finds out the truth
we watch, play, coach sports…to regain a moment of youth, to indulge the fantasy of broken dreams, to check out of the demands of family life
we gamble… to grasp the brass ring, to tickle our fantasy that a million dollars will make everything better, to feel like a winner…
we fantasize, about everything and anything…to escape the boredom, the tediousness, the constant reminders of our shortcomings, regrets, and inadequacies
we volunteer, for everything…to stay busy, to get someone to notice us, value us, need us
we clean and organize…to control the messiness of life, to create an illusion of order, to feel powerful, to escape the sorrow and mess of our own childhoods
we smother our kids, making them the center of our lives, indulging their whims…to relieve our lost childhoods, demanding, ever so subtly that they make us feel successful, to escape the boredom in our marriage, to avoid talking to our spouse
we pretend, using any and all means to avoid the painful truths of our life story…to keep busy, to perform, to avoid, hoping that if we just keep moving, pretending, scrambling, and denying, eventually we will convince ourselves that everything is fine
…or to become so numb that we no longer notice the pain.
we are all addicts…we are addicted to relief, and we will find it!
because to live in the truth,
to embrace the reality of our story
to acknowledge the loss, the abuse, the victimization, the lies, the fear, the power, the hatred, and our victimizing of others...
is too much to bear…
and it threatens to engulf us, to drown us…
if we pause
if we see
if we listen
if we feel…
so we keep going
snuggled up with our drug of choice
pretending to be fine…
until we read a story like marie’s…
and we see ourselves in the mirror of her life…
and for a brief moment we pause
and we feel the hurt and shame of truth…
and in that moment we have a choice…
admit that we are addicts…
in need of help,
in need of hope,
in need of Light,
in need of Truth,
that we are more than our additions
and we crack open the door
to look for another way…
or we choose darkness,
and return to the friend who has served us thus far…
and the addiction grows
and the bondage grows stronger
and the soul dies a bit more…
thank you so much for this susie... it is deeply profound.
i am going to link to it if you don't mind...
it just caused me to stop and re-read it, and just pray.
thank you
Posted by: natala | August 01, 2005 at 08:01 PM
How do we stop the cycle?
Karyn
Posted by: K | August 01, 2005 at 09:18 PM
Thank you Susie for this post. Thank you because it is honest, it is real, it is truth and it puts us all on the same playing field. No one is more or less, we all have our "drug of choice" to lessen the pain within. Thank you for the beauty of each life story that is worth so much.
In the ministry I am involved in I see many Maria's - some sit in a church pew, others are on the streets. Many of them sit at the table with us and we share our stories, we are all broken and we all make choices, healthy or not. And each of us has a redemptive story to be used by Abba.
Posted by: stephanie | August 01, 2005 at 10:53 PM
This is an amazing post Susie. Thank you. I have found that when I become "too real" -- when I name and lament the harsh realities of life, there are some people who get kind of freaked out. They don't want to hear about what's real because they're so deeply committed to creating an illusion that everything is just ducky.
To some extent, would you agree that we are socialized to seek out addictions in which to hide our despair?
Posted by: Sue | August 01, 2005 at 11:36 PM
Yes.
Posted by: Chris(tine) | August 01, 2005 at 11:49 PM
Wow and thanks....forwarding this and going to be back to reread....
Posted by: becky | August 02, 2005 at 12:59 PM
It's so true. I've just realised that I've been doing so much at church - been addicted to this - to hide my loneliness. I'm the social organiser because otherwise no one ever asks me to things.
Things must change...
Thank you for the story of Marie - it made me stop and think about my own addictions, and the way I treat those around me.
Posted by: Jo | August 02, 2005 at 03:46 PM
You writ well and that makes the fine content even better.
Thanks
Posted by: Curious Servant | August 03, 2005 at 09:33 PM
thanks for this.
I found myself in a lot of it:( The burying oneself to escape and throwing myself into work or goodworks to numb the pain.
The choice is simply - at the end of the road- light or darkness. But we still have to battle the cravings day in day out.
Posted by: Lorna | August 04, 2005 at 01:28 AM
thanks for this.
I found myself in a lot of it:( The burying oneself to escape and throwing myself into work or goodworks to numb the pain.
The choice is simply - at the end of the road- light or darkness. But we still have to battle the cravings day in day out.
Posted by: Lorna | August 04, 2005 at 01:53 AM
spot on susie - really well written! thank you!
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