susie

passages

  my last child is driving...

my son got his drivers license and he has wheels...

he is a good driver, we taught him how to drive a stick...his dad taught him the techinical stuff, i told him to feel when to shift and not think so hard :)

it is strange not having to pick up or drop off-- and even strange to send him out for his last minute "oh i forgot"needs...

it really is a right of passage

for both of us!  parents and kid.

Each time our children got thier drivers permits life changed...but this time it is our LAST child, and we have no more carpooling to do...imagine that!

no more late night calls... can you come pick me up, can you drive Bobby home---ever

no more learning all the little details you overhear in the car while your kids talk with their friends

no more listening to music together while you drive them, and they don't want to talk about anything...

changes... the only constant.

progress???

I am writing this post during halftime of the SuperBowl.  There has been a plethora of press about the fact that this is the First time there is not 1 but 2 African American HEAD Coaches in the Superbowl... All day coverage was available... stats, details, memories... and while i am not knocking this tradtion, i know about it, because it was on at my house... i have to wonder about the fact that we are still so slow to recognize the value of a human life... any life...color, ethnicity, geography aside...

My favorite comment came when one pro football player said, "I look forward to the day when this fact is not Noteworthy! When we have 2 coaches going to the Superbowl and the story is far bigger than their race!"  I share his sentiment!

I am thrilled that Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are coaching the Colts and Bears respectively and that they received the position of Head coach because they are deserving!  The fact that they are African Americans is, in my humble opinion, about time!!!

As I watched the commentary, i was sad that we are still catching up from a sad and sordid history of prejudice that resulted in oppression.  Prejudice that quite honestly,  continues today in areas of ethnicity, religion, and skin color.   

Osama Barak is pursuing the Democratic Presidential Nomination! I am currently reading his book the Audacity of Hope.   And I am weary of the question, "Is America ready for an African American President?"  That is the Wrong question.

just a thought...

btw: Go COLTS!!!

Been a Colts fan since i grew up in MD and they were the Baltimore Colts, long ago!  ;)

mid-life

i have this sign in my sunroom... I got it for my last birthday, from some good and humor-filled friends who know me well...

fresh (fresh):  adj:  cheeky, saucy, shamelessly bold; a trait commomly found among middle-aged women

This Christmas, I got a subscription to the magazine "MORE" geared specifically for women over 40, and I am proud to be in this crowd... it is a relaxed, confident time, not plagued by confusion of your 20's trying to figure out who you want to be when you grow up... nor the neuroses of your 30's when you wonder if you and/or anyone else likes who you are becoming as you pretend to be grown up!

No one told me that your 40's are a great time of life... you can have a mid life crisis and be honest about it, because you are finally able to admit that you aren't sure about a whole heck of alot, and still interested and bold enough to find out what it is that you don't know... And it is freeing and fun! 

Being in my 40's is Wonderful! I have the freedom to explore without the burden of explaination...who knew "Because."  is a complete sentence... right behind "No." 

And so, each day as i sit in my sunroom and see my Fresh & 40 sign, i smile and wonder what new adventure today will bring, as i take the time to figure out just what a grown up is!!!

My good friend and mentor Wes, talks about life in thirds, rather than halves, and i like this concept! It offers even more latitude for growth and becoming, for service and life living. He is a great example of the ongoing unfolding of G-d's plan and purpose during each season of life...especially the second two-thirds...and thus i am inspired and anitcipate all that is unfolding...

stay tuned...

Gratitude

Gratitude is not a overused word...

think about it...do you use it often?  each day?  do you make it a habit to share your thankfulness with those around you?  do you specifically take the time to Thank G-d for all that is good in your life, in the world, in the lives of those you love, in the midst of all that is unfolding...???

We often scorn cliches... but there are nuggets of truth in them, if we pause in our oft misguided arrogance to think and absorb the message... "an attitude of gratitude"  is one i heard recently and acutually paused to consider what it would be like to live with one...Every Day!  to focus on the good, the pure, the blessings that abound in my life, rather than than "the lack, the want, the not yet"  and it made a difference.  I walked a little lighter, smiled a bit more and my countenance was brighter!  i do not fear denial, i am too much of a realist (my inner voice challenges) but aren't blessings and goodness and mercy also reality???

I think about David and his words in the Psalms...every emotion imaginable!  i love this book!  G-d calls it a book of worship!  David sings of G-d's goodness in tandem with all the hard realities in his life... both exist simutaneously.

So on this day, i am thankful for much...and on those things my mind will dwell today.

round here...

big doing's 'round here...

Emily graduated from High School!!!

My sweet emms, (as we call her!)  her dad called her his M&M for a while when she was younger!   She is our miracle!  (i know EVERY child is a miracle... i have 2 others!)  but Literally, the fact that she is alive is a miracle... multiple times "she should not have lived..." according to the doctor's, but G-d had different plans, WAY different!  she has been a tiny bundle of strength, energy and stubborn strong will, since she was conceived!!! and i know that there is a myriad of reasons she is alive today...

As she walked in to the Patriot Center... draped in the endless fold of her blue graduation gown, distinguishable from the crowd only by the white wedge sandals that she wasn't sure she even liked... i spotted her first. 

she knew where we were sitting, cell phones had enabled her dad to give her pin point directions to our seats.  section 113, 25 rows back, her entourage of 25 loving friends and family, sat, waiting, ready to cheer for her!!

as the graduates filed in to the arena, parents craned their necks,  their eyes searching to find their children... small and innocent, in these big people bodies, playing dress up and pretending to be grown ups... surely 18 years couldn't have passed so quickly!!  "look for her shoes" i whispered down the line...

and we watched... and waited...

for a long time....

and then there they were... white wedges,  that looked beautiful with her simple a-line dress, that caused moments of tension, as she wanted to wear flip-flops and snapped in her frustration and uncertainty, that only highlighted the lovely young woman she was becoming...

there she is!! i whispered, way too loudly!! pointing every so indescreetly! ! there she is!!!... as tears filled my eyes, remembering the many times the doctors said we would never see this day!!! pomp and circumstance played in the background as i slipped my hand into john's and just watched her inch forward in line, approaching her place to begin her march down the aisle!!!

my sister planned the cheer, emily would love it and be embarrassed all at the same time!  she love our rowdy outgoing family!  she is her mother's daughter... she looks like me, loves like me, and yet she is logical and mathmatically minded like her dad!  ;)  but she would love the cheer from the gallery when she took her place at the head of the procession... so we plotted and planned...

and just as she stepped forward.... YEAH EMILY...Y-E-A-H!! E--M--I--L--Y!!! Broke out from our cheering section!!! we were loud, exuberant, excited and thrilled!!!

She glanced up... paused, just before she took her first step, and smiled... an Emily smile...

it was a wonderful moment!!!

The ceremony was peppered with cheers and moments of her looking back at us, watching my sisters and family and friends love on her with waves, smiles and cheers!  at one point we all did the wave!!! ...and she smiled and shook her head ;)

Her graduation party was small and private, with just family and a few friends, it was intimate and personal!  we played games, shared stories and celebrated the gift of her life, her journey and the way that her life and her alive-ness, her faith, her humor, and her inner beauty and brilliance has blessed each of us...

i listened, watched her take it in, and my eyes were filled with tears... joy-filled and wonder-filled at the gift of this tenacious, strongwilled, tender hearted, deep and discerning daughter that i get to call "my daughter."

so... round here it has been just fine! 

and i am profoundly grateful!!!

Bootlegged Tag!

anj did a five for friday list and i liked it.  the topic is:  Name 5 experiences of the performing Arts that have touched or tickled you...

i wasn't tagged, i haven't been playing in the blog world for so long, and it is a monday;)

but here are mine...

1. birth... it is definitely an artistic performance of epic proptions, between doctors, nurses, neonatalogist, given my highrisk babies...and the other births i have been privileged to attend!  there is anticipation, drama, climax, celebration, loss and hope in every telling!

2. Six grade all county chorus performance, by with my eldest daughter performing. her hands gracefully moving to some lyrics about "be-ing her own person, a child with potential"  my eyes welled up with tears.

3. hirschhorn outdoor garden sculpture:  "Resting"  i turned the corner, and there she was, on day when i desparately needed her...

4.  Les Miserables... everytime, is saw it performed... but the first time with my husband , when Colm Wilkerson, played Val Jean changed my life.

5. Fiddler on the Roof, @ Wolf Trap in

Virginia

, with Topol playing Tevye.  Astounding... then watching the movie version with him in the same lead role, year after year with my family.

Happy New Year!

Today is the last day of vacation.  i need another week, but would settle for a few more days... how about you?

the holidays have been a whirlwind of family and friends, conversations, music and meals, lots of dishes, laughter and love, reminding me of the richness of my life... and yet, they have simultaneously left me longing for a few days of quiet reflection, with an empty "to-do" list and the leisure time to just enjoy the wonder of this thing we call life and being human! 

I have started a number of posts in my head, and have yet to sit down and blog them, so this morning, before the day gets away, i have hidden away in my sunroom, to write, to re-connect, to read the musings of traveling companions and other bloggers who have touched my life this past year.

Happy New Year!  to each of you...I hope it is a year filled with wonder and hope... that in the midst of all that is unfolding there are moments of peace, of dreams, and of falling more deeply in love with the One who is Light and Life into this world.

insert commentary:  as i read those words, i am conflicted...between their utter hopefulness and the strange gnawing that in this raw and ravaged world, they are words that sound like a cheesy Christmas card!  i have "deleted. re-written, and deleted again" in an effort to express the sentiments of my heart... a real and visceral desire for "Better Days" with the childlike faith that still believes it is possible!  I am an eternal optimist, and in the midst of my work as a therapist, this trait is both a blessing and a curse.  Reality presses in on every side... and too often i think that "reality" is the dark and shadow side of life, yet, deep within, i truly believe that "reality " is also the light and wondrously unexpected moments of light and love, that make it impossible to lose hope...

so the "internal commentator" that censors my hopeful comments and wishes for this new year, argues with my hopeful heart, which i cannot deny or silence for that matter!  I am haunted by the goodness of G-d, the places where Hope and Truth have shaped and changed my life, thus i cannot silence the optimist in me, even when it is but a flickering flame...

just a bit of insight into my recent struggles to write, to blog, to say  much of anything...there is an ongoing debate in my mind and heart as i wrestle between these worlds... i have yet to land, but i miss this forum of discussion...of sharpening and shaping... so i am risking, by offering a peek into both...

no wonder i am tired;)  all this debate, just to write a post... thus i have been so quiet of late.

exit commentary: as i resist the urge to delete this whole post.

Happy New Year!  my hope is that 2006 is a year of great and small moments where our faith is stretched and reconfirmed, of glimpses of Heaven in the midst of our relationships, as we learn to love more and give extravagantly, of peace and rest in the inner most parts of our souls, because we intimately know and are known by the Incomprehensible Eternal One...

And as I look around at the "clean-up" the undoing of the decorations, the thank you notes to write, the reorganizing that comes with each new year, i cling to this last day of vacation... and commit to it being just that...a vacation day!!

a day off, a day to rest, to reflect, to play, and to just be...

sounds of silence...

i read a quote today, it is ironic, given my silence here... and this quote has pushed me over the edge of bloggers block.  ;)

i have started many a post in my head, but have not sat down to write, i would like to believe it is because i have enjoyed the whispers of G-d in the silence of late... whispers to my tired and weary soul, calming and steadily reminding me, "peace, be still."

you see, i long for peace and i have found glimpses... long gulps at times even.  in the strangest of places.  not in cathedrals or mountaintops, but in valleys, in the whirlwind and chaos of daily life!  in being in my own skin, and really being there, instead of thinking about it all the time!

so, today, i read this quote and i knew i had to post on it tonight: 

"Let us be silent, that we may hear the whispers of the gods ."   (R.W. Emerson) 

these words name where i have been... silent, listening to the whispers of G-d, that i might find some peace and a deeper purpose than all the activity and thought i had wrapped my mind around.  the faith, the theological thinking, the acts of service, the hoping and praying, studying and thinking... for in the silence, i found that just "being" is plenty.  and suddenly, the silence and whispers are making way for some new birth in this be-ing that is me...it is good and right and hopeful in this sacred season.

and silence is right, and worshipful in this hectic and frantic time of year... i pause, and i am being, more often than not... and i am strangely hopeful, in the midst of all that is...

Namaste...

the painful truth...

anj always makes me think...her words are poetic and insightful, season with tender grace and compelling at the same time...

today, i read her words here and i responded with the following reflection...

mothering a teenage son is themost challenging and painful part of my parenting as of yet...letting go and pursuing at the same time, space and respect, coupled with guidance and boundaries....i am in the midst and at times oh so fearful...what much it be like for the Father to hold us so loosely and love us so tightly?  i have much to learn.

there is not much more to say just now, but i think i will craft a post for my family matters blog...

the painful truth is ---

at times i am at a total loss on how to love my son well as he grows into a man, how to equip him to face all that this brutal world holds, how to let go and leave that gap that tears at my mothering heart...

at times i am just afraid... and in my fear i am hesitant to trust this G-d of ours who allows so much that i cannot understand or reconcile...

at times i hold on too tightly...

at times...in the midst of my fear...i just pray and offer this young man who has my heart, to this Wild G-d of mine, who captivates my heart and soul such that there is no other option...but to pray and trust and let go...

its been far too long...

i have been away from the blogosphere for far too long...

i miss it... the people, the conversations, the community

the way that posts and comments of other writers  dust the cobwebs from the recesses of my brain, and challenge my thinking,

the way that community and care are revealed and reveled in through this virtual church

and so i have posted a bit of my thoughts on my sojourn stories blog... and rather than re-post it, i will simply send you here...to read about where and how i have been...

looking forward to catching up with so many of you;)

shalom, susie