sojourn stories...

surrender

I remember going to visit "Mum"  she was my surrogate grandma, when i was growing up.  She lived in a cabin in the woods in PA, cooked amazing Pot pie, played a mean hand of Canasta and she loved Jesus with all her heart.  She had a simple and deep, abiding faith, and i loved to go to her home and rest.  Even as a teen, I was aware of the heaviness of life at times, and i always found it restful, simple at Mum's and that somehow life made sense.

She was always humming or singing old hymns and one of her favorite's was "I Surrender All."  I think that I learned alot of theology, just hanging out with her, and this hymn way sacred to her, along with Everlasting Arms.  As i grew and learned more of her life story, i understood why.  The very fact that she could live surrendered to God, trusting and believing, not blindly, but Faith-filled and at rest, i admired and simutaneously could not grasp.

This past year has been one of ambivalence... of push-pull with a call to surrender and trust that has been like nails on a chalkboard to my "type A" personality.  I modified Mum's song to "I Surrender Some" and was doing fine!, thank you very much...

Remember the cliche about "FINE" (feeling insecure, neurotic, & emotional)  well, while i wasn't necessarily "fine" I was feeling Sick, tired and sick of being sick and tired... so obviously surrendering some, wasn't really working!  lol

So, after a lengthy battle, i decided that G-d wins and i would reassess.  Which translates to Rest--lots of rest and doctor visits, listening and yep, you guessed it... SURRENDER!

This meant saying "no, but thanks for asking, maybe at another time..."  Alot...

Alot more than i did in the past, Alot more than i like to... and trusting that G-d would bring opporutnites back around another day, month... year...

It was during this season of Surrender that a dear friend said these words to me regarding faith:  "Faith is not Believing that God Can, it is Knowing He Will."

These simple words rocked my world, as i thought about how much I Believe... and yet don't surrender and trust... because when it comes right down to it... i don't think i KNOW.

As i studied Scripture, i found many examples of Faith filled folks who Knew G-d Would...

and so i am camped there... learning to surrender....

Detours

Do you ever get so busy and so consumed with what you are doing that you miss the why... that you stumble along the road and keep going, without looking left or right at the scenery, up or down at the wonder and splendor of the very act of living...

I do... I have... and now I muse as I re-read the tagline for this Sojourn site:  places to rest & re-create... as i have done little of either recently.

I stopped blogging with Katrina, tried at times, but words stuck like sawdust in the gears of my mind and the screen remained blank.  I even stopped writing for a bit, and felt the loss of my hands, my soul becoming parched and distant in the absent comfort of words...

no answers yet, but an itching to write, to say something...

Places to rest & re-create... require time, silence and purposed stillness.  That is what i find myself in... housebound and bone tired due to continued health struggles that have resulted in a major asthma flare-up, tons of steriods and rest... and i wonder if it took all this to get my attention, that i had not been resting... and thus recreating had fallen by the wayside as well. 

Don't get me wrong, life has been busy as the days have trundled by, filled with the daily-ness of life, peppered with the changes that accompany growing teenagers, launching college kids, and  the demand of work.  However,  the getting by, getting through, is boring and i miss the creative moments of words and whimsy that comes with play.

Writing is play for me... therapy, sanity and intensely creative play.  Thoughts tumbled about...working  with and against each other to uncover the smooth seamless surface that reveals beauty.  Writing either in my jornal or her onmy blog enables me to see what i think and feel with a clarity like no other medium, and as i read and reflect, i am reminded again of my love of wordsmithing.

Detours... often take us off the beaten track and we find hidden respites and treasures.. this has not been such a detour for me...  it have been a long and weary trip through much wasteland, in which that i almost lost myself...and i am grateful to return to familiar soil and landscapes.  However, it was not without a few redemptive moments as desert wandering often is...

 

a few tidbits...

busy...busy... terribly busy.. as Madame Blueberry would say ;)  (the theology of Veggie Tales is right on the money at times ;)

Just a few tidbits to help catch you and me up!  I have the privilege of being part of  planning an event that focuses on the issues of Race and Diversity in the Emerging Church.  Many of you may have read the recent emergent/c where Tony Jones referenced this upcoming event.  It will be a theological discussion, far more than it will be a how to get a token ethnic family involved in your church or ministry.  It will be a place to confront our own prejudices and presuppositions and a forum to listen and to learn from others.  I am so excited about being part of this event!  If you are passionate about the issues of race: of inclusion and embrace then please email me!  or join the discussion on the blog that Jay Vorhees has set up and help shape the unfolding of this event!

I have been involved in some advocacy issue regarding the Lost Boys of Sudan; humbled at their courage and desire to return to their country in order to help with the rebuilding.  One of  my new friends, Angelo, is planning to return to Sudan in December and is seeking financial support for his trip.  If you are interested in supporting his courageous venture, please email me. 

I have been talking with Natala about the lack of writing that has plague me of late... since hurricane Katrina, when i struggled to find words, i have remained tongue tied and finger twisted. i love to write and yet i have found little solace in the written word.  i have done a lot of collaging of late...as the visual and tactile seem to be more cathartic. what i do write these days is profoundly inward and private... it is odd to not blog, to have lost the therapeutic and cathartic nature of this forum. 

if you have read any of my posts, you know that i do not post news, updates, FYI's or bullet points very often.  instead, i blog, for the most part, about the wrestlings of my heart, the ponderings of my mind and the theological and life questions that haunt me.  therefore, given that i have written little in my own writing life, i have had even less to say in this forum of late...

i am sorry for that.  i have felt guilty for that.  i have tried to be different in this reality.  i cannot force it.  the daily-ness of life has gotten the better of me recently. 

i wonder if surrender is just allowing "what is" to "be"

does that make sense?  equating surrender with acceptance of what i didn't plan on, may not like, would choose to change...

for example...the fact that my kids are in need of more attention, my high-schoolers are needing quantity time?  that my work has taken on new dimensions and requires more of my attention?  that my health has required me to cut back in every arena of my life, and thus put a number of my dreams on the back burner...

in younger days, i think i would fight, trying to make what i wanted to be true, come to be... now, in my middle years, i am wise enough to know that i cannot beat the reality of my daily-ness.  so i am joining it.  i am doing that which i know i am called to, taking care of the small circle of the world that is mine, and waiting... quietly.

i am becoming convinced that growth , that maturity in Christ is a willingness to surrender to what is real, what is true, whether i like it or not...

don't give up on me, i will be back... and i the meantime, every so often, i will be here...

banned books, fear and complex questions...

will has a great post on the issue of banned books.  He cites a list of the 100 most challenged books and asks which we have read.

the banning of books perplexes me...i am intrigued by the idea that "if we don't tell, then it won't be true!" 

i remember long ago, being challenged,

"Why is it that "non-christians make movies like The Killing Fields, and not christians?  What are we afraid of?"  With great passion, my friend declared, "We of anyone should be able to name and speak and tell and engage in what is true in the world today!  Until we do the gospel will continue to be distorted!"

I think that we Christians, we who claim to know the Truth, to have an intimate relationship with Jesus, who scandalously calimed to be The Truth, we must be willing to face the reality of this fallen world.

Why is it then that, far too often, our actions don't align with our beliefs?  Are we fearful of truth, or are we unwilling to tell it? Are we willing to engage in the messiness of life and enter into conversation about it?  through a book, through a neighbor's broken truth, through the concrete jungle that our children navigate every day in public school...?

I am not advocating reading every book every written, i am not saying that some books are better left unread...

I am simply asking, what guides us to reject or flee from certain topics, what makes us refuse to name the truth that is, especially when it is often ugly, difficult and without answer---seemingly beyond redemption?  (do we believe that there is a category of "beyond redemption?)

What motivates a fear driven posture in relationship to the world, the culture, the truth and stories that we cannot comprehend?  What justifies our refusal to see and name certain truth's however awful...

can we examine this energy in our own souls and stories... can we reflect on what this recoil, and the desire to control and contain says about our theology, our beliefs and the radical claims of Jesus?

will muses that he encounterd this list while reading an essay by Any Plantinga Pauw   in Practicing Theology,  entitled Attending to the Gaps between Beleifs and Practices

surfacing, treading water and not sure which way is toward land!

it has been a while... a long while since i have posted. 

life, stuff, and more life have gotten the better of me, threatened at times to engulf me in the crashing wave of "the urgent" 

there have been days of great delight, laughter and celebration as all of our birthdays fall within this six week interval...there have been tears and well wishing as my eldest left for college, older and wiser than i ever was at 20!

waves of fear and anticipation followed my youngest, my son to his first days as a freshman, and i must admit that these feelings and how to deal with them are not in the "how to mother a teenage boy manual."    (though the Scriptures bear out a few principles that have sustained me, as i watch and pray...but there are no guarantees, and that is risky, so profoundly risky, that it make me stand in awe of the freedom and love that G-d bestows on me).

i have had little to say in this forum of writing.  and i am increasingly aware that there is a dearth of content in my journal, empty pages in my sketch book, accompanied by a drowning sense of boredom...

and the only way out is through (as alanis so poetically sings it;)

in the recent stream of unending tasks, "to do" lists and urgent matters at hand, i have missed this medium of communicating, missed my friends in the blogosphere and missed the sanity that comes from a sojourn here...

so, i am finally surfacing.

it has been a long 6 weeks. 

i am treading water...

and

i am hoping to post more often...

my mind feels dry from the lack of conversation and thought provoking posts that pepper my bloglines, my heart is heavy in the midst of so much national tragedy and i must confess that i have been overwhelmed into silence and a small sphere of action through my local community.  I have even avoided reading blogs... yes a true absence!  and i miss this unique forum for interchange, expression and growth. 

they say that absence does make the heart grow fonder;)  just as soon as it gets over the guilt of shoulds and coulds and begins to engage in the "is" of now! 

I am waking up here, in the midst of incredible tension... increasingly aware of the frustrating finitude of the human life and the relentless passing of time, yet longing for the luxury of unstructured days...or even structured days that include time for that which is really important... the care and tending of my own soul...

the needs of my children and family have consumed me of late, and the care and tending of their souls brings me great joy and satisfaction.  they are my "important, " yet the chaos of being a mom, also makes them my "urgent" far too often, and i have neglected the care and tending of me...

i feel the limits of this mortal life pressing in on many sides and

i have struggled to find balance and clarity...

i am still struggling to find balance and clarity... why do i buy into the myth that i will ever arrive?  ;)

maybe that is the wrong struggle, struggling to "find"  rather than simply seeking "to be."

be-ing and time...

so, enough rambling... for now...

i just wanted the beginnings of a post...as i have learned that far too often that "beginning again" is the hardest step, and this is my feeble effort at such a leap...

in the midst of daily life...birthdays, packing up, getting ready for school and other busy-ness that makes life meaningful...

i have had a crazy few weeks, and i am pausing briefly, before skidding into this one with enough momentum and chaos to keep the wheels turning a bit longer...  in the next two weeks we have four birthdays...two very significant ones as my eldest daughter, Kate, turns 20!  and my second daughter, Emily turns 18!  (throw in mine and their dads and it is birthday cakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner).  kate keeps asking me if i feel old, now that she is going to be 20..."i mean 20!" she says with great expression and flair... "that is serious!" 

i, however, do not feel old... just very tired ;)  ( i am glad to still be young as we lean towared becoming empty nesters, so that john and i can travel and explore the parts of life that remained unventrued while we raised kids through our 20's and 30's...)  i think i will take a very long nap once everyone is back in school...just as soon as i clear off the bed;)

but i digress... these weeks have been fun, filled with laughter, lots of projects for kates very first apartment, getting my youngest, my son ready for highschool... which means driving him to and from football practice, and feeding him...alot!  having art parties with middle daughter, watching movies late into the night and sharing memories and margaritas with neighbors and friends... i am always sad to see the summer come to an end... (as much as i love the crisp feel of notebook paper, the promise of new books and back to school clothes, the freshness of fall, and the promise of a more scheduled life...i love the long, lazy days of summer vacation!)

So for the next week... i will be away from this wonderful world of the blogosphere... you will find me squeezing every drop of life out of these lingering moments... and i fear that stopping to write about them will chase them away all to soon...(though i imagine the running thought of "i can write/blog about this" will often corss my mind!)

i hope that you are enjoying these last snippets of unscheduled and unstructured time and i will see you in september!

shalom

addictions part 3...

A few of the comments in Natala’s final post were confessions…of people, of pastors who struggle with sexual addictions...there were many comments and emails from people who wondered what to do with their own bondage to judgment, fears, and addictive behaviors that encase souls, destroy lives and deaden hearts…

Looking truth full in the face takes courage and profound humility as we admit our brokenness…

Jesus will meet our eyes as we reveal that which we have kept hidden…Jesus knows our secrets and longs to mend our souls…

Imagine the dusty courtyard, as Jesus looked down at the woman caught in adultery, thrown on the ground before him, awaiting condemnation and death…

Imagine his tender and knowing gaze…did she have the courage to glance up or was she curled up in a ball to protect herself from the oncoming stones…Jesus looked at the angry crown and said to the accusing onlookers, to the‘righteous ones,’ “Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone..."

Then slowly, in the thickening silence the woman heard a thud…as the dust from a dropped stone, spattered on her hands and mixed with the tears of fear and sorrow as they streamed down her face...as the oldest rabbi, turned and walked away…and then another thud, and two more… as those who knew their own sin and struggles faced the truth… “this woman, who we have condemned as vile is not that different from me."

I wonder if Jesus met the eyes of her accusers and in a knowing silence, saw the truth about their inner world, their struggles and the places that each of them had illegitimately and thus sinfully sought solace from the harsh Roman world, relief from the disappointing absence of the long awaited Messiah, or a break from the stringent codes of Levite law that could be so oppressive at times.

And I wonder if as they felt seen and know there was no longer the ability to condemn either the woman or themselves.

We have been taught to judge those who are different from us, conditioned to divide people into categories of good or bad based on actions and lifestyles that have been deemed right or wrong… and I simply do not see Jesus doing this. 

Throughout the gospels he treated everyone with kindness and acceptance regardless of their lifestyle and deeds, and in doing so he touched the dignity within them, the spark of the divine image smoldering deep within their souls and rekindling it, awakening them to who they were created to be…this was the way of Jesus, not words of judgment and shunning, not division of acceptable and unacceptable groups to hang out with, share a meal, laugh with, listen to, or show love towards. 

The only group of people that I see Jesus speaking harsh words to are the religious folks, who are so caught up in their own righteousness that they judge and exclude and condemn others…including Jesus.

Please read the next 2 paragraphs:

I am not saying that there is no right and wrong, that there are not actions and deeds that are grievous and destructive to ones own soul and life as well as others.  I firmly believe that some actions and choices more heinous than others, that some have devastating consequences for those involved.

I am saying that it is not our place to judge people, to treat them without the love and dignity that Jesus did because they have chosen a path of foolish and destructive actions.  I am saying that we are called to a higher standard...the standard of love.

While Jesus was firm and clear about the ways of life that lead to destruction, he never treated people with disdain or disgust, but with a sorrow for their bondage and a hope and call to their created purpose.  Somehow Jesus walked the razor’s edge of honesty and love…bold love…

A bold love that spoke difficult words,

Words that named the truth

The decay and destruction

Of actions

Choices

Words

A bold love that called forth

Dignity

Desire

Destiny

Rather than condemn and cast aside

Love that was active and accepting

While piercing and expecting at the same time

And tender and merciful in its strength…

This is the love we are called to, this is the lens through which we are to see our brothers and sisters, regardless of their deeds, without denying the fallout of destructive choices.

There are a few necessary questions to ask ourselves whenever we think about addictions…

Are we accusers… or are we fellow addicts, with a drug of a different choice?

Are we pointing fingers or are we coming alongside and admitting that we struggle too with an overwhelming desire for relief…for a moment of oblivion?

Are we willing to face our prison of pretense?

Are we willing to be honest…

about our fear of the Light,

that threatens to undo us in its brightness and expose our strategies for control and relief?

Are we willing to admit…

our hesitancy to walk away from the temporary satiation of relief?

Are we willing to name…

our terror, our racing heart, our sweaty palms that come with facing the pain of our stories, admitting the truth of our actions, embracing the sorrow of reality?

The snare of addictions is clever, binding, and deceptive…

And we are often like the proverbial frog in the pot of water, who isn’t aware of the increasing heat until it is too late…we underestimate the power and draw of our addictions until we are in way too far over our heads, still convinced that we can pull out at any time…regroup and “be fine” with just a few “easy” changes. 

And thus, we deceive ourselves…

addictions...part 2

(read: addicitons...part 1)

Sexual addiction is serious, and being caught in the web of pornography is soul deadening, but as we enter into talking about these issues, it is imperative that we all look in the mirror and see that we are addicted.  We all seek to relieve pain, to escape the painful present in a variety of ways… and we all suffer from the damage to the soul that accompanies being addicted to relief as well as the additional external consequences that vary by addiction.

I am not downplaying the destructive nature of sexual struggles, issues…addictions.  I am simply stating that we have relegated some addictions to acceptable category and others to the

unacceptable category, often based on the external fallout associated with them.  And in doing so, we have dismissed and negated the core issue of all addictions… an idolatrous heart that refuses to live in the Story of G-d as it unfolds…we don’t know what G-d allows, ordains, orchestrates or prevents… we only know the agony of our internal bleeding when we face the truth of our story in its fullness of both glory and pain…

And our hearts refuse to bleed in the hands of a mysterious and unpredictable G-d, who promises faithfulness, goodness and help in time of need, but did not bring these things to bear in our timing or in our way…Why would we trust this G-d, we cannot control or predict how life will unfold if we do let go and trust.  We look back and decide that G-d’s track record of pain relief, of protection from harm, of intervening for the innocent, of acting on behalf of the righteous is not all that great…so we conclude that we must protect ourselves.  And we find socially acceptable ways to do so…

It is far more acceptable to be an over-worked, over-extended, overweight, eating disordered, exercise addicted, control freak Christian than one who struggles with smoking, alcohol, sexual deviance, pornography and/or chronic masturbation…

but make no mistake, the origin of all thse behaviors is the same...

a frantic demand to escape the realities of living in a broken world

a raised fist, shaken at G-d in rebellion and fury at the unfolding of our life stories...

all of our carefully constructed, seemingly justifiable behaviors and mindsets are the marks of idolatry...

Idolatry = I worship my way, my understanding, my constructed life…

I chose to be self sufficient…rather than be at the mercy of G-d

Jesus taught about the publican and the Pharisee, one knew his brokenness and one who haughtily hid behind acceptable ‘behaviors’ and a hardened judgmental heart, fully confident in his own abilities, understanding and control.

A self-sufficient posture appeeals to the human mind, except the mirage of control eventually fades, revealing a posture that leads to bondage, to self-righteousness and ultimately to bondage.  In our prison of pretense, we lose sigght of th truth that there is not sin, there is not struggle, there is no addiction that cannot be addressed in the healing grace of G-d.

The violence of addictions against one’s own soul as wwell as the soul of the others who are the victims of our addictions do not need to continue in the vicious cycle of lies and hiding.  Truth, any and all truth, can be brought into the light in the presence of Christ.

if we really believed what we claim to believe

if we really thought that all things are possible with G-d

if we had the courage to live out the things that we teach and say and write

if we glimpsed, even for a momoment, the profound and full humanity of Jesus

if we leaned into the unconditional love of G-d, against all our contradictory data

if we had faith, the size of a mustard seed…

then we might crack open the door of our vaulted heart and allow a glimmer of Light to piercce the darkness of our shrouded and fear-filled souls…

(part 3 coming next week)

addictions...part 1

Natala and I were talking last night, and she asked for some advice regarding the many emails and comments that she received on her recent “porn star series of 8 posts.”   After talking a while, I told her that I would write a post with some info on dealing with sexual issues, addictions really.

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes, so lets get one thing straight from the beginning…

we are all addicted

we just vary our ‘drug” of choice

we are all addicted to relief…

we want out of this broken world,

we demand a break from the pain and sorrow,

we seek a breather from the bone crushing angst of life,

we must numb our pain…

and we are experts at doing so…

we flee into mind numbing, soul searing, life altering addictions…

we do drugs…to get away, to manage, to take the edge off, to get through

we drink…to remember, to forget, to engage, to disengage, to have sex, to disappear

we use pornography…to control and demand that someone make us feel powerful, virile, and desired…at least in our fantasies

we use sex…to control, to demean, to consume, to condemn, to deny and destroy beauty.

we choose socially acceptable addictions...

we shop...to fantasize about another life, to daydream about what we do not have

we buy…to own, to compete, to consume, hoping that this purchase will fill us

we over work…to prove something, to earn more, to avoid others or ourselves

we overeat…to fill the cavernous void within, to numb, to desecrate

we purge…to gain absolution, to do penance, to control, to empty ourselves of the ugliness inside, to feel power, to exact revenge

we over exercise...to pummel our destructive urges, to destroy and to control desire

we consume media…to entertain, to conform, to escape, to occupy our minds, to dispel the excruciating silence of loneliness

we are over committed to the work of the church… to gain approval, to avoid guilt, to earn a ticket to heaven, to hide our struggles and our secrets, so no one finds out the truth

we watch, play, coach sports…to regain a moment of youth, to indulge the fantasy of broken dreams, to check out of the demands of family life

we gamble… to grasp the brass ring, to tickle our fantasy that a million dollars will make everything better, to feel like a winner…

we fantasize, about everything and anything…to escape the boredom, the tediousness, the constant reminders of our shortcomings, regrets, and inadequacies

we volunteer, for everything…to stay busy, to get someone to notice us, value us, need us

we clean and organize…to control the messiness of life, to create an illusion of order, to feel powerful, to escape the sorrow and mess of our own childhoods

we smother our kids, making them the center of our lives, indulging their whims…to relieve our lost childhoods, demanding, ever so subtly that they make us feel successful, to escape the boredom in our marriage, to avoid talking to our spouse

we pretend, using any and all means to avoid the painful truths of our life story…to keep busy, to perform, to avoid, hoping that if we just keep moving, pretending, scrambling, and denying, eventually we will convince ourselves that everything is fine

…or to become so numb that we no longer notice the pain.

we are all addicts…we are addicted to relief, and we will find it!

because to live in the truth,

to embrace the reality of our story

to acknowledge the loss, the abuse, the victimization, the lies, the fear, the power, the hatred, and our victimizing of others...

is too much to bear…

and it threatens to engulf us, to drown us…

if we pause

if we see

if we listen

if we feel…

so we keep going

snuggled up with our drug of choice

pretending to be fine…

until we read a story like marie’s…

and we see ourselves in the mirror of her life…

and for a brief moment we pause

and we feel the hurt and shame of truth…

and in that moment we have a choice…

admit that we are addicts…

in need of help,

in need of hope,

in need of Light,

in need of Truth,

that we are more than our additions

and we crack open the door

to look for another way…

or we choose darkness,

and return to the friend who has served us thus far…

and the addiction grows

and the bondage grows stronger

and the soul dies a bit more…

and i get to be her friend...

natala, has written a series of amazing posts...

i read them with tears in my eyes, anticipating the next posts... and so glad that i just got to reading blogs this week, or i would have been impatient for the next part of the story... it is a beautiful unfolding of love and grace and raw honesty... and i read them thinking... and this amazing woman is my friend...how great is that! 

Following after the way of Jesus..."Dear Sudan, Love..." a grassroots effort to support humanitarian efforts in Sudan

I know that i have posted a number of times on the crisis in Darfur, Sudan and it is not because i have nothing else to post about... it is because the Genocide and other atroicities are real and tragic... and i cannot believe that it is happening in our lifetime, in our world! GENOCIDE...systematic, ethnic cleansing, rape used as a form of terror and warfare, government sponsored militias attacking villages and refugee camps, killing an entire generation of children, raping women and young girls, murdering the men and boys.  This artwork is done by children of Darfur.

After the Holocaust, the world said, "Never Again!"  And then after Cambodia, it said "Never Again"  and after Bosnia & Rwanda the world paused briefly and said "Never Again!"  Now Genocide is occuring AGAIN and will the world say, "Never Again, Again!?" 

Growing up, i wondered "How America could remain silent during the Holocaust?" "How could we stand by and do nothing?!" "How could we not know?"  i wondered aloud in history class... and yet, here i am, in America, and the same thing is happening again, and we are remaining silent, doing nothing, and we remain in the dark, again.  How much media time was spent covering Michael Jackson's trial?  Or Tom Cruise's new romance?  verses the killing that has been taking place in Southern Sudan over the past two years, and even more recently, the Genocide of 400,000 lives in Darfur, Sudan?  As I have looked around the news, i have found coverage only on the BBC, as the American News Media is consumed with other "more important" things.   

I have only just recently woken up to the realities of the world and begun to look far beyond my own life, my own concerns and gain a bit of understanding of the call for Christians to be concerned and involved in issues of justice.  I am learning in deeper ways how Jesus was always concerned with the marginalized, the excluded, the forgotten, the untouchables... the poor and needy and in these moments He spoke of the Kingdom of God being at Hand.  This has new meaning for me as i am trying to understand more of what i am called to do and be as i seek to follow after the way of Jesus. 

in that vein...

"Dear Sudan", is an interfaith campaign to support  humanitarian relief in Sudan.  Originating in Petaluma, CA the program, "Dear Sudan, Love Petaluma" purposed to raise enough money to feed 55,000 refuges in Sudan for one day- the population of Petaluma- Each Sudanese refugee requires only 16 cents per day for food provided through a program run by Church World Service. Their goal was $8,800 and they raised over $10,000.

Now the campaign has expanded to "Dear Sudan, Love..." and a new blog was launched today!  They are hoping that many cities and towns will participate in this same type of effort...Imagine, only 16 cents per day for food!  I am interested in this project, but need to put together a committee of folks who would be willing to spearhead this effort with me.  If you are so inclined, please email me @ susie@sojournstories.org and we will see if an interfaith-multi-church team can be put together in order to undertake such an endeavor.  Read the story.

The Dear Sudan blog launch features the above painting, entitled "My Duty," by Beverly Collins, from her "The Invisible Women of Darfur" collection.  Her text for this painting reads as follows:  "My duty to God and my children is to bring forth the will to continue in the face of my oppression."

poured out like a drink offering...

i had planned to write a "profound post," as theological thoughts and converstions have been stirring in my mind for the better part of the day...but then i read this and decided that it was more profound and poetic than anything could say tonight...enjoy;)

hospitality, open doors, places at the table and other unique things about Jesus...

this speaks to me today...

Hospitality

   “Shared life is a way of being present to another person so that another person can be present to you. It's a quality of being, of living. A sharing attitude makes room inside of you so that others can crawl in and you can crawl out into them. You become touched and touchable, supporting and supportable. A Christian home is one with the doors open, and a Christian community of any form has doors open and swinging both ways. There's life moving in and life moving out. I could summarize Jesus' most radical teaching as a call to "universal table fellowship" (see with whom he eats, whom he invites to the banquet, and then you will know why they killed him!). Don't tell people to come to our church or to come to hear Father preach. Ask them to come over for supper. That's more real and natural. Talk to them over the back fence. We hope our life is good news. When our neighbors see our unity and our good news, maybe then they'll say, I'd like to come celebrate and worship with you.”

Richard Rohr, The Spiritual Family and the Natural Family

Sojourn Ministries becomes Sojourn Stories

As you may have noticed, the name of this weblog has changed to Sojourn Stories.  This is in keepiing with my newly designed website:  www.sojournstories.org and the new logo and new name and tagline: 

Sojourn:  Intentionally Living the "In Betweens."

Important Note:  The URL has not changed!  but please change my blog name from sojourn ministries to Sojourn Stories, if you list it this way in your blogroll. &thanks;)

please visit the new site, and check back in a couple weeks when it is fully completed!  and then again periodically for updates;)  thanks, susie

(if i was a better techie i could make this post look better (and put a link inside the logo to take you directly to the website), but you will need to visit the website for the full artistic effect...oh to be a geek;)

dostoevsky (and blair anderson) on beauty...

"Beauty is not only a terrible thing, it is also a mysterious thing.  There God and the Devil strive for mastery, and the battleground is the heart of (wo)men..." Dostoevsky

   

Today, I celebrate the courage of 11 women who dared to engage in the battle for beauty, and allowed me to be part of their journey.  I am totally captivated by this painting, dancing in thin places, by blair anderson, and as i pondered how to mark the ending of my sojourn with these women, it came mind.  It captures a bit of the beauty that radiated from their stories, their faces and bodies, their laughter and tears, their life giving souls, their willingness to love, to encounter Grace and be transformed! i am humbled and grateful for our sojourn story.

imagine if we really lived these words from The Message...

wes is a purveyor of wisdom and encouragement.  today he posted about possibilities.  his words were timely on both a personal level as well as a communal one.  i have been thinking the years we have been involved in young life, an incarnational ministry to high schooler and reading re-imagining church, by doug pagitt, and the verse that wes quoted today brought my thoughts full circle. 

Go after a life of love as if your life depended on it--because it does.  Give yourself to the gifts God gives you.  1 Cor. 14:1 (The Message)

imagine if we really did this... lived a life of love, and gave ourselves over to the giftedness that G-d has woven into the very fabric of our being!  These gifts are the divine imprint that we bear, and they are the prism through which G-d is revealed to those around us...living a life of love from this place is the radical possibility as new creations in Christ...it is the difference that Jesus makes.  living incarnationally...revealing christ in culture, through the pot/vessel/giftedness that is uniquely ours...imagine!

maturity, authenticity, honesty, and being real...

 

Recently, i have been doing a lot of thinking about maturity, what it means, how it is intertwined with the concepts of being authentic and honest... how it is an integral part of what it means to becoming truly human...and i have come to the conclusion that maturity is fundamentally about being "real."  Certainly, there are other necessary elements, such as the wisdom that comes with experience, and a quality of teachableness, humility, and a depth of insight, all wrapped up in someone who is increasingly comfortable in their own skin.  (I think that most of the people i know who are comfortable in their own skin are children...young children who have not learned to be self conscious enough yet to worry about their bodies, their appearance, the smears of jelly on their faces, the scuff on their shoes, the mismatched  socks, and askew ponytails that so often simply add to their charm!  children are far more enamored with the wonders of the world,  to be self conscious about appearances...but i digress).

Children, have a wisdom all their own, but it is the wisdom and wonder of innocence, not the sage wisdom of experience, sorrow and seasoning...this is the wisdom of maturity...the wisdom that allows us to be real...to be truly human, alive to all that is true, in its glory and its horror, in its wonder and its fear...this is the maturity that comes with age...

Margery Williams said it best in her children's classic, The Velveteen Rabbit.  In a conversation between the Skin Horse and the Velveteen Rabbit, we learn that maturity comes to the one who lives fully, to the one who is willing to see, to sorrow and to sacrifice, as only Love can, and in those acts of love, we become real.   Ensconced in a nursery filled with mechanical toys, the threadbare Skin Horse imparts the wonders of being real to the Velveteen Rabbit, alluring him toward the hope of life and meaning far deeper than surface appearance.  In wisdom, wrought from age and experience, the Skin Horse counsels the Rabbit toward the maturity of becoming real...

"What is real?"  asked the Rabbit one day.  "Does it mean having things that buzz inside and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made,"  said the skin Horse.  "Its a thing that happens to you when a child loves you or a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real."

"Does it hurt?"  asked the Rabbit

"Sometimes,"  said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  "When you are real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up?" he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once.  You become.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept.  Generally by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  but these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Threadbare, seasoned, and wise...authentic, honest, mature...becoming human and real...

wisdom of dostoevsky...

Christ said, “Go and give all you have to the poor and become the servant of all men,” for if you do that, you’ll become a thousand times richer because your happiness won’t be made just of good food, rich clothes, satisfied vanity, and appeased envy. Instead it will be built on love, love multiplied by love without end. And then you will gain not just riches…but the whole world!

Today we amass material things without ever satisfying our greed, and then we madly squander all we have amassed. But a day will come when there will be no orphans, no beggars; everyone will be as one of my own family, everyone will be my brother and sister, and that is when I will have gained everything and everyone!

Today even some of the richest and mightiest people care nothing about how long they have been given to live because they can no longer think up ways to spend their hours. But one day our hours will be multiplied a thousandfold, for we will not want to lose one single moment of our lives, as we will live every one of them in the gaiety of our hearts.

And then our wisdom will come not out of books but from living in the presence of God, and the earth will glow brighter than the sun, and there will be no sadness, no sighs will be heard. The whole world will be paradise. Fyodor Dostoevsky, "The Adolescent"

*image and great article @http://www.clevermag.com/environment/stuff.htm

*quote from http://dailydig.bruderhof.org

poor in spirit...

We who are rich are often demanding and difficult.  We shut ourselves up in our apartments and may even use a watchdog to defend our property.  Poor people, of course, have nothing to defend and often share the little they have. 

When people have all the material things they need, they seem not to need each other.  They are self sufficient.  There is no interdependence.  This is no love.  In a poor community, however there is often a lot of mutual help and sharing of goods, as well as help form the outside.  Poverty can even become a cement of unity.  Jean Vanier

i am guilt of this kind of living, locked doors and a guarded life.  i have little want for material things and it is far too often that i can rationalize a 'want' into a need, in order to justify a purchase, that i would be better off not buying.  these words of jean vanier, however, take me to an ever deeper poverty, that i encounter everyday in the well to do suburbs of DC, and that is poverty of spirit. 

There are many in my community who live in luxury.  However, they are burdened with a poverty of spirit that imprisons; poverty that keeps the doors of our hearts locked, prohibiting others to enter, and making it difficult for us to open and share with a true sense of vulnerability.  We hide our spiritual poverty in material excess and remain alone, entertained but alone.

Jesus said, " Blessed are the poor in spirit being blessed, for they shall see g-d. " While there are many familiar renderings of this verse, i want to suggest another.  That when we are poor in spirit and allow that to be seen and shared, we do see g-d... we meet god in the extended hand of a neighbor of friend who steps in to help, in the face of the man we sit next to on the bus ride to work, in the eyes of the child who wants to play catch, in the face of the homeless woman with whom we share food and fellowship on sunday afternoons, in the stranger who holds the door open for us, when our arm are laden with packages.  In each of these moments, g-d can be seen and experienced as deep calls to deep.  In the holy moments, when the mysterious wonder of our vulnerability is met with another's simple gesture that reminds us that they too have felt poor in spirit, but for today, they have something to offer

There is extreme physical poverty in the world, and that grieves me deeply.  i am thankful for the many efforts to 'make poverty history.'  and we need to be active in ending the pervasive poverty in developing countries, as well as in our own back yards.  i am not intending to white wash or glamorize it with the quote above, nor diminish it by moving to a deeper poverty.  I want to simply acknowledge the poverty of soul that can be deadening if we are unwilling to allow others to know our needs, sorrows, and struggles.

When we unlock the door on our hearts and revel the poverty in our spirits, the fresh Ruach of Life can enter through the smile, word, breath, touch, tenderness of another and in those moments we encounter the living G-d, our spirit is enlivened and we are blessed indeed.

however, we must not stop there, or even begin there... we are called to do justice, to love mercy and to walk humbly with our G-d...thus we are called to action.  poverty in spirit hinders our ability to see the needs of others and our numerous resources to meet those needs.  we live privileged lives and we often lose sight of how vast expanse of poverty in our world..  we get caught up in our own myopic needs and miss the cries and tears of those around us. I think we must be aware, we must be acitve, and we must begin...

wisdom of Martin Buber...

"Creation is not a hurdle on the road to G-d, it is the road itself"

                                                                          

"Great is Thy Faithfulness, Oh God my Father"

Great is Thy Faithfulness, Oh God My Father…There is no shadow of turning with Thee, Thou changest not, Thy compassion it fails not…as Thou hast been, thou forever will be…

Great is Thy Faithfulness, Great is Thy Faithfulness, Morning by Morning, new mercies I see…All I have needed, Thy Hand hath provided, Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me…

One day, when I was 14, I got very angry with my mother, and rather than mouth off, which would only get me into more trouble, (I knew this from experience) I headed out the door for my very first run.  I remember the feeling of pounding my anger out on the pavement, the struggling for breath and then eventual peace that came, as my breathing became rhythmic and my strides began steady.  And as I ran, I worked through the verbiage that would never reach her ears; since that day, I have been a runner, a jogger really, but runner sound so much better.

I am inconsistent at times, faithful and dedicated at others.  Even after the longest stretches of literal winters and metaphoric winter seasons when my running shoes sit unlaced and unused by the back door, eventually I tie them up once again and hit the asphalt to work out the feelings and words that cannot be articulated.

I have written books while I run…wish I had a tape recorded, organized presentations, oh where was the whiteboard, composed letters, rehearsed difficult conversations, and envisioned ideas, but they remain forever lost on the pavement…remnants of moments in time that return only in glimpses and snippets when I sit in front of my laptop trying to recapture them.  More than anything else, when I run, I think and I pray… the rhythmic nature of my breathing centers me, calming my soul and stilling my mind that I might commune with g-d…and haggle and hash out and dream and envision and reason together…

On that day of my very first run, so many years ago, my dad told me an interesting story… “you are not supposed to be able to run…”  were his first words when I told him about the exhilarating way I had found to keep from mouthing off to my mom!  My puzzled look must have prompted him to expand on the following story…

unfolding beauty...

~and the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.    anais nin

I have been sitting on this quote, waiting till my friend sent me this incredible photo that he took...how fun to find that Susan, at visual voice, one of my new favorite blogs, just posted this same quote with one of her beautiful photos!

innocence lost...

i just read anj's post return to innocence.  Many times her words and insights into this earthly sojourn often set my mind in motion and move my heart to respond.  Her beautiful words on innocence reminded me of work i did during my years in grad school on genesis 1-3, and i have been mulling over it again, more recently, so reading her words brought many thoughts and here are few of them...

Innocence lost... is it the end or the beginning?   A curse or a possibility, a closed door or an invitation to something other...

unusual sanity...

"Abandon the urge to simplify everything, and appreciate the fact that life is complex."

i love this simple statement that found its way into my inbox today, it comforts me... because life is messy, love is complicated, g-d is Incomprehensible...

while i enjoy a simple meal, or flower arrangement, even a simple sentence...i love an intricate blend of may tastes, a wildflower garden, and a long languishing descriptive sentence.  i am not a minimalist...and i am fascinated with the nuanced and even the obvious complexities of life.

...so i am content to abandon the pangs of guilt that often come when i look at my unsimplified life, often deemed as 'way too messy' by others.  i realize that my life will never be simplified as i accept the fact that i more often than not, i lean toward and jump into the complexities that intrigue me and i find an unusual sanity there...

but are often dismissed as way too messy by others...

an enduring legacy...

Pope John Paul II

1920-2005

on silent saturday...

"Jesus is our guarantee of God's promise.  What happened in his body is the pattern of what must happen in all of the cosmos.  We are making up in time, in our body, what happened thirty-three years in the body of Jesus.  We are optimistic because we look at him and see the final pattern.  To be a Christian means to be an optimist because we know what happened on the third day.  We know that it worked, that Jesus' leap of faith was not in vain.  His trust was not in vain, and the Father raised hi up.  He trusted enough to outstare the darkness, to outstare the void, to wait upon the resurrection of the third day, not to try to create his own but to wait upon the resurrection of God.

The Scriptures and early Church seldom said, Jesus "rose" from the dead.  They aways say, "God raised him up!"  Good Friday inevitably comes into every life.  So does Holy Saturday.   In those moments of absurdity and darkness we want to say it's unreal, but Easter Sunday will come.  It is as certain as the dawn.  No longer is it an act of faith to believe in immortality, no longer is it an act of faith that some theologian must prove to me, because I have seen the pattern of the world worked out again and again.  The Paschal Mystery, the death that is embraced in love, does not lead to death but to life.  Absurdity which is embraced  and forgiven will not lead to meaninglessness but to freedom.  So what was Jesus' plan to overcome evil?  Attack it? No! Love it to death.  What is given to God is always transformed.  That is the eternal third day that we forever await."  (Richard Rohr, The Great Themes of Scripture)

i am haunted by the goodness of g-d,  haunted by the "easter sunday's" in my life, when the resurrection is borne out in the here and now.  the resurrection is revealed on this temporal plane when love defeats harm, and brings the courage to choose love in the face of evil... this is never done on my own strength, but by the Indwelling Spirit. and in those moments of pain and absurdity, i can honestly say that in time, i have seen g-d transform what is given to g-d...i am haunted by memories of redemption...g-d's redemptive work in my life and heart, when by g-d's hand i am transformed from death to life, from brokenness to beauty, from fear to faith...and i know the power his resurrection in real time. 

embracing my body...

Yesterday, Lisa wrote a great post and sent me to this post by Andrea, about naming what is good and the reality of understanding the power of words.

As a therapist, I work with soul scars caused by ugly shameful words that wound and sear and leave scars long after bruises heal and life tumbles forward.

With the link, she challenged a group of us to do this to a part of our bodies that we have spoken ugly words about and to rename that part with a healing word.  Both posts and her challenge have provoked much thought for me.  I have spent years thinking about the body, my body, the feminine body, how it has been shamed, exploited and even celebrated and enjoyed.  Part of my own story is being told that I was fat, as a teenager when I was not (though I believed the words) and that set off years of body image issues and the roller coaster of attempts at perfection.  Sadly, the illusion of perfection is bought and sold, and altering body parts is an increasingly popular option for women, both young and old today.  At a recent seminar on eating disorders, I learned about a suburban high school where the second most popular gift for high school graduation were breast implants… second only to a car.  A ‘boob job’ for teenagers!  What have we become in this quest for the elusive, indefinable, and ever changing image of a perfect body??